Still. Again. Ditto. He’s Failing

After the blow out during MIL’s birthday dinner, things changed. Slightly. DH told the girls they did not have to go see their grandmother anymore, in fact, DH and I were on board that she wasn’t allowed to see them, never mind the girls didn’t want to at all anyway. DH started out strong, blazing with anger over her behavior over all of it. He refused to call her. Ignored her really which was fine by me. It took three weeks and then she tentatively sent him a text. I’m not sure of their exchanges, but DH kept them brief. After that she started calling him and leaving voice mail messages for him to call her back and they had short discussions then. He still was stiff with her, but they were talking more. DH did tell me that she said “I know I did something bad, but I don’t remember what.” She said this as if that was a reason to forgive her. As if she didn’t really mean all the horrible things she said and did that night. But, DH was on his game. He said, “Well, if you don’t even remember what happened, then you have a bigger problem than you think and need help.” He was expecting at a MINIMUM an apology to all of us. He indicated she needed therapy for several things as well. And she, playing the game and being all sad and meek, agreed with him. Note, however, at this point it’s been like a month, and not ONCE has she called frantic, knowing she did something bad, but not knowing what, had no real curiosity what “IT” was that she did. I find that strange. If she were a normal person, she would have been mortified, come over, and apologized to everyone immediately. That didn’t happen.

MIL wanted to come over to see the girls. I told DH if she came over it would be for more than just to see the girls. It would be a full on family sit down discussion of her fucked up behavior and what isn’t tolerated. Twice we set a time, a twice she blew us off. It made me so angry. It upset the family. We were thinking she was coming over and we’d all be on pins and needles, then at the last second she’d cancel for stupid shit, like … the weather is too bad. What?? To walk across the cul de sac?

As the six week mark approached I noticed that she was calling as she did before. Just to chat and say hello, and he’d talk to her as always as if nothing in the world had happened. She hadn’t apologized, hadn’t gotten therapy, she had done nothing to deserve his forgiveness, yet there he was treating her just like nothing happened. It hit me then like ton of bricks. He is NEVER, NOT EVER going to hold her accountable for anything she does. Not even when it’s the worse offense she could have done, even in front of our children, even screaming at me that I was a fucking bitch.

I decided I needed to write him a letter and get out what I felt, because at that moment, I felt a lot. In the weeks previous I had been reading my old blog, and was reminded of all of the horrible things I had to endure with that woman. All of the horrible things she did and said and how he never did ANYTHING to fix it. Even if I was sobbing and upset. It was easier for him to let her get away with it and deal with my sadness then hold her accountable or put up any boundaries. When I saw that he was doing it yet again was appalled. But this time was different, because it wasn’t just me, it was our children that were being abused. FULL STOP. This wasn’t going to continue.

This is what I wrote him.

DH:

We can discuss later, but you needed to hear this. Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

I’ve been looking through my online journal after cleaning it up. I was curious to go through it to see some of things your mother said or did in years past since I was sure I had forgotten things. It really gave me some clarity, although I didn’t like it.

Looking back over the years since Oldest was born (and even long before) it is obvious that your mother made me miserable, out loud -- often, ramming herself over boundaries like a freight train. She has been quite fond of attacking my character behind my back with some bald face lie she dreamed up that was aimed to make me look bad. In turn, you’d turn around and ask me if I did [*insert ridiculous accusation*] to offend her. You gave her bullshit story enough credence to question me again and again, which caused me to have to defend myself over and over. I never did any of those things she dreamed up. It was so unfair of both of you. One thing was pretty clear though after a lot of reading. You gave your mother reign to malign me and dream up any fantasy story she could whenever it suited her or when she wanted to emotionally bitch about me to make herself feel better. You allowed her to beat me up emotionally, whether passively or aggressively (in my face and not), and didn't hold her accountable. What type of respect can I believe that either of you had for me between the two of you? She disrespected me by every foul word out of her mouth and every boundary she crossed. She was mean and unfair to me from the very first. You disrespected me by letting her do it again and again regardless of what I said or how upset I was. This hindsight sucks. Now she’s tried to do it with our daughters, talking horribly about me and wanting them to think bad of me. Sorry, but that is seriously EVIL. Yet for some reason, you still think having your mom in the girls’ lives is a good idea?

I had hoped that after her fantastic blow out at the beginning of January it would mean something. That things might change. Instead, she is manipulating you all over again. After realizing this last night, I knew things are never going to change. You were mad at her and I thought ready to face things. That lasted all of two weeks. Once she started with the text messages, it was easy for her to progress to brief phone calls, and now you are back to half hour phone conversations with her as if nothing happened.

For some reason I actually contemplated being gracious enough to let her salvage some sort of relationship with the girls by letting her into my house so she can have her “say.” I plead temporary insanity. Without even stepping foot in it, she’s already stirring up discomfort in our house. She has twice now manipulated our family time by not showing up to the family meeting SHE SAID SHE WANTED. She’s done this with lame, selfish excuses that weren’t excuses at all. It’s making the poor girls’ nerves sit on edge, not to mention mine. This is exactly how she manipulates you. She wants something, you bend, she maneuvers, you chase, and now the whole thing about holding HER accountable is somehow now all about her, on her terms, and on her time frame. She’s in control again! She’s not sorry, DH. She’s not sorry at all.

I just want to understand one thing. For all of your new found determination with her since early January what changed so that she now has your pity, attention and kindness? Did she improve something I am unaware of? Did she get counseling or therapy? Did she stop drinking? Did she even apologize? Did she admit she had a problem? Did she do ANYTHING AT ALL to deserve acceptance or forgiveness from you? From where I sit, it really just feels like you feeding your mom’s pity is more important to you than how anyone else in our family feels.

I did a lot of thinking last night between 2:30 and 6:00 a.m. I realize now that you will continue to let her manipulate all of us. If you wouldn’t stop her from emotionally beating me up for a decade, then why should I believe you are capable of keeping her from doing the same to the girls? I guess it’s up to me to protect them from her. A month in, and she’s already gotten a foothold on you and she’s done nothing to earn it. You will let her emotionally torture us all because you will not hold her accountable whether it’s a week from now, a month from now or a year from now.

You have big problem you refuse to see. You enable her. You have been conditioned since a child to react how you do. You have no gauge. You cannot see the damage she has done and is still doing. Since I cannot rely on you to protect the girls, I have to. I have decided since she can’t be controlled then there can be no contact with her and the girls whatsoever. She is a 71 year old self-gratifying, mentally ill, alcoholic with the emotional intelligence of a four year old. There’s no hope for her, but there is for us and she isn’t taking me and the girls down with her. There will be no discussions at our house with your mother. She is not capable of apologizing and meaning it, she isn’t capable of hearing constructive criticism or having an adult conversation without flipping out and causing a scene. A scene that would surely happen and that I will absolutely not subject the girls to. She isn’t capable of not drinking and not putting our kid’s lives on the line. She has had enough of my family and my sanity. I have been more than fair to her despite seeing me as the fucking bitch she thinks I am. I will not put our children into the path of that emotional wreck anymore until she gets some help and there is some real progression. Until then, I see no reason to subject our girls to her or that drama.

You do whatever you want with yourself and her. She doesn’t seem to disrespect you or treat you badly, just the rest of us. You aren’t the one suffering and certainly my anguish over the years hasn’t bothered you enough to want to make a difference. All I ask is that you respect my choice to protect our children and my sanity and self-respect, because you can’t or won’t.

After reading the letter, DH and I communicated and he told his mother she needed to get help before she could have anything to do with the girls. At least, that’s what he told me he told her. I don’ t know. We went another six or seven weeks when one day DH indicated that his mom wanted to see the girls and was allegedly very concerned about how the girls were feeling about her because of her bad behavior at the dinner. He said that she indicated she was seeing a counselor and that he hadn’t seen her drunk or alcohol in her refrigerator in a while. I was skeptical. Again, I indicated that if she planned on coming over it would be to have a real discussion and for her to apologize.

We set a date and time for this to happen. And happen it did.

We were all sitting in the living room when she entered the house. I would have thought (although frankly I should have known better) that she would have come over with a little bit of contrition or humility over the horrible behavior that night. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Why, even though I know better, and I always surprised when she disappoints? Because she does disappoint. Always.

She came into the house wearing the same smug “I’m-better-than-everyone” attitude that she always does. Our daughters had several concerns that they wanted to share with her and had actually taken the time to write a list on their own of the things that Grandma was doing that was hurting their relationship. They wrote this list so that they could discuss them with her and that they would not forget anything in their nervousness. Again, I was assuming that MIL would have a human/rational reaction to this list and possibly even cry when our girls broached them. Oh no. No. No. No.

While our girls gathered their courage to tell her their feelings, she completely minimized everything that she could not deny outright (the drinking and smoking) and then denied everything else they mentioned. Anything that my daughters told her that she did or said to them that hurt them, she basically called them liars (without using those words) because she said those things never happened. I’ve read so much information that says that Narcissists are consummate liars, but I am still shocked to see it in my own family in front of my very own eyes. MIL lied, lied, lied, and lied on top of lied. She sat there and denied my children their reality by saying that everything they witnessed wasn’t true. My daughters looked at me perplexed because she was lying and they had no idea how to handle an ADULT lying to them. There can be no healing or improvement when someone won't acknowledge their problems.

Previously, I had told DH and she was not allowed any continued relationship with the girls until she got therapy. The first thing MIL did before we talked about anything else after we all sat down is start throwing out stipulations like she had some control She said to me “I know that you had want me to get therapy, but I am not the sole cause of the downfall of this relationship and I am going to require you to get counseling as well.” WOW! That she actually had the impudence to assume the right to stipulate what I do is really telling. She’s pretty full of herself. She doesn’t have anything I want. I could care less if she dropped dead tomorrow. There is not one single thing she can do to me to make me do anything she wanted me to do. What is she going to do? Get mad at me? Stop talking to me? Move? Cut me out of her will? There is nothing MIL can do to hold any leverage over me whatsoever. I actually bubbled up laughing when she said that and I responded with “Oh, MIL, I am so not getting counseling because you think I’m the problem. This is all yours.” She truly believes that I am half the reason we have issues and wants me to take the blame as well. Not happening sister.

After more discussions that went very badly, I realized MIL didn’t have any intention of apologizing, taking responsibility for her actions or behaving in any way that she felt sorry for what she did to our daughters or me or DH. She never apologized. Not once. She never showed any true remorse or desire to change or fix things so that she could have a relationship with us.

I began to slowly lose my cool and we began to argue. Jon left the room with the girls and his mother showed every sign of wanting to go toe to toe with me. After a few minutes of heated discussion, I knew how pointless it was. There is no point in trying to reason with someone that will never take responsibility for themselves or even remotely tell the truth. I knew this, but my husband had to witness it too. Yeah, I’d say he witnessed it. I actually got up and asked her to leave my house.

There was one time when I said something that got me a strange look. All the hostility came off her face and she appeared to lose all the blood in her face. While she was getting her coat on after I asked her to leave, she was still blabbering on about me calling her liar. MIL said to me “You only wish I was a liar.” I laughed again at the absurdity of her statement and said with bored resignation: “MIL, I truly don’t wish you were a liar at all. In fact I wish you would just act like a normal human being.”

THAT was the statement that caused the strange look on her face. I have no idea what it was but all pretense was wiped off her face for a second. Very strange. And then she stormed out.

DH was totally on board with everything I said and was completely shell shocked that she sat there and lied and lied and we knew she was lying. It was like DH has taken the red pill and now he saw the truth. I hope she packs back up and moves back to the West Coast like she is threatening to do.
She still had antics for us though. Oldest told me about an incident she had the next day when she got home from school. MIL basically gave my oldest daughter a big “fuck you.” This was one day after our meeting-gone-bad. My daughter was walking the neighbor dog after she got home from school. As she walked by MIL’s house she heard MIL’s front door open. When my daughter looked up at the front door, my MIL glared at her for a second and then slammed the door. MIL saw her walking by and took the opportunity to send her a message in a shitty, passive aggressive way.

Message received.

But apparently not for DH. Still. Again. Ditto. He’s failing.

More on that in the next entry.