This entry will be another branch off the previous entry related to gifts. MIL likes to give gifts whether you want them or not. Every time I think of this particular situation I get angry, because it was overt ONLY to me.
MIL likes to garage sale. One day she purchased a used, plastic Fisher Price kitchen set and called me to ask if I wanted it for our almost three year old daughter (Eldest). I told her no, because I wanted to buy a kitchen set myself for our daughter when she was a little older. This was something I was saving to do when our daughter was about five. I was really excited about it, but wanted to have one when she could appreciate it more. As a kid I loved my kitchen set and wanted to be a part of the one we got our daughter. I told my MIL this as part of the reason to politely tell her no, and the reason why. Why I was so nice to that bitch for years I’ll never know. She never deserved it.
About a half hour after I told MIL “no” to the garage sale kitchen set, I was heading upstairs with laundry to fold when DH called me out to the garage. When I got out there I saw that, despite my wishes, MIL had brought over the kitchen set, including plastic food and toy dishes, set them down, got my daughter and let her start playing with it. I stood there in complete shock, taking in what she just did. I looked over to see that evil hag give me a huge smile and waved her hand at my daughter who was playing with the kitchen set and said: “See? See how much she loves it?!!” I was so upset. If I took the kitchen set away, I’d look like the bad guy to my three year old. MIL knew exactly what she was doing. My husband was clueless to all of it. He wasn’t aware she’d just called and asked if we wanted it and that I said “no,” and that she completely undermined my wishes. The entire happy scene just looked like MIL was being an awesome grandma! I'm sure my husband was thinking "look at what a nice and fun thing my mom did!!" I knew that if I were to say anything, anything at all, I’d look like a complaining, unreasonable brat.
A few minutes later MIL followed me into the house and gloated over how much my daughter loved the kitchen set. I was barely listening to her while cleaning up the kitchen. Cleaning the kitchen was the only excuse I could find so I didn't have to look at her or really engage with her, lest I rip her hair out. At one point while she was carrying on with her gloat and trying to convince me what she did was perfectly fine, MIL reached out and put her hand on my arm/wrist as if to stop me from walking away from her. Bad move. I was already trying maintain my calm, so her touching me was like acid. I stopped what I was doing, glared at her hand grabbing me and immediately yanked my hand away from her. When I did this, my arm did an unconscious flail away from her and my arm went in a big loop as it was pulled out of her grasp. She didn’t even bat an eye or acknowledge what I had just done. At the time I did it, I thought “oops, way to show her that you can’t stand her, M.A.” but she didn’t even appear to notice. I thought that was weird.
After MIL finished her yapping, about five minutes later, she went home. A few hours later when things has calmed down and our daughter was in bed, MIL called DH on the phone and told him that when she was in the kitchen talking to me that I “physically attacked her.” She was twisting the story of HER grabbing ME and stating that I “attacked” her. It was absurd. This was another one of her colossal lies. One that was so preposterous as to be funny if it weren’t so fucked up. As if she’d wait four hours to tell her beloved son that I “attacked her” if I really had. What a joke. DH of course didn’t believe it, but he let his mom get away with behavior like that all the time. He questions me, gets my answer, realizes his mother was lying again, and blows it off.
It has been issues like this over years and years that just sent me over the edge. When I relive these experiences and write them down I get so upset with myself. Why did I allow her to do this to me over and over? This was par for the course with her. And every time I just let her walk all over me!! This is why I now have no patience with her, no sympathy for her, no good will, no desire to think the best, no tolerance left AT ALL.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Stealing Her Thunder
We had a tiny, blessed little bit of progress yesterday, and I could have done a dance.
As I may have said before, DH is trying to understand, and it is oh so hard for him. And I’m trying to teach him, while getting the feeling from him that he isn’t interested. But he is listening and last night proved it.
We have been LC with MIL for four months now and the girls have really only seen MIL twice for any length of time. That time length being less than 15 minutes. That is going to change though.
The second week of June we are going to South Dakota for a large family reunion that is to span four days. We’ll only be there for three. This is DH’s side of the family. Namely MIL’s two older brothers and their wives have planned this entire event. These are the Uncles who stepped up at our wedding and paid for and planned our “rehearsal” dinner the night before our wedding. These are the uncles who went out of the way to do something nice, AND who made sure to keep MIL away from us that same evening when she was stumbling around drunk. They know all about their fucked up sister. Of course, though, MIL plans on being there. This should prove to be very interesting and very TOXIC. Not only do I know for a fact that MIL will drink until she’s sloppy drunk and spewing meanness, she doesn’t even LIKE her family and they don’t like her. Throw in the fact that I can’t stand her, and her two granddaughters don’t want to have anything to do with her and it’s going to get ugly. Why exactly?
Because MIL is going to play pretend that everything is just fine. That I love her, that she loves living in the same state as us and everything is going great, that her granddaughters love their grandma because she's so awesome. She (without saying it) will fully expect that we play along with her fantasy. She’s going to expect it because that’s what we’ve always done. Until now that is. When that doesn’t happen, when the fantasy she’s built up fails around her, she’s going to melt down like, well, the Wicked Witch of the West. I am prepared to be as pleasant as possible, but this will entail keeping away from her entirely, as well as keeping the girls away from her. If she’s in the same room as us and she thinks she’s going to call the girls over to say, Aunt Junie B, and have a sweet granny conversation to show HER granddaughters off like she’s Grandma of the Year, MIL is going to have a rude awakening. I plan to ignore her. I will walk away and pretend she isn’t even in the room. Let her explain to whoever what the hell THAT was about. If asked by anyone, I will tell them the truth. That she’s not nice, and she’s nasty to the girls and the girls don’t want to have anything to do with her. Because of that, even at a family reunion, we will keep them away from her. I do not intend to make a huge deal about it or carry on a gossipy conversation, but I am done protecting her and acting like everything is fine. As they say – drag the evil shadow out into the light and watch it shrivel and die. Every one of these relatives KNOW her. None of them have a relationship with her for a reason. I don’t foresee backlash from ANYONE about speaking the truth.
What’s scheduled to happen is that MIL is flying to SIL’s state, visit for a few days and then MIL and SIL and BIL and their kids are all going to drive to South Dakota for the reunion. We will meet them there. It lasts through Sunday. SIL called and talked to DH a few weeks ago and wanted to know if they could take our girls back to Colorado with them to stay for a few weeks. Initially, I was flipped out about this. I don’t want them NEAR MIL. MIL will be in that van and then will stay one more day and a half until she flies back home. That gives MIL any number of opportunities to sink her claws into our girls. I was practically hyperventilating. Even the girls got wide eye’d and said they weren’t sure they wanted go with them. Let me tell you, our girls ADORE going to Colorado to be with their aunt and cousins. There is nothing they’d rather do more. So that tells you just how much they don’t want to be around that wench if they were considering not going. After some discussions, we decided it would be okay if SIL and family promises to keep them protected. They will only have to be with her a day and a half before she leaves anyway. Trust me when I say, SIL, as much as she annoys ME, is kind of a bitchy pit bull when it comes to her mother. She doesn’t put up with too much crap from her, which is why MIL has visited SIL maybe three times in 12 years. It’s no fun for MIL. There’s no supply for her there, nobody puts up with her for very long. Even my BIL puts her in her place without blinking an eye.
So, fast forward to yesterday when DH goes over to MIL’s to do some task and mentions to MIL that the girls are going back to Colorado with them after the reunion. MIL blew a gasket! DH was shocked. He said it was like a light switch flipped. She instantly got pissy, saying she didn’t want them going to Colorado because it would interrupt HER time with SIL. As if MIL cares about time with SIL. She's avoided her for 12 years. But she isn't getting the narc supply from us anymore, so she's going to give SIL's family another shot. And now, a visit by our girls will put a cramp into that. If the girls are around, they are naturally going to suck ALL of the attention out of the room. Every last drop. MIL knows this. My SIL, to her credit, is an elementary school teacher and loves children. My husband is probably the one person she has the closest relationship with anyone else in the world (besides her husband) and these are her brother’s kids. BIL just retired from being a high school teacher and also loves kids. The girls two cousin’s will be home from college and they like spending time with them as well. The girls worship their cousins because they are the cooler older kids, but who actually like being with their cousins, even if they are near tweens. It will definitely be ALL about the girls. So sad for MIL. Boo hoo.
When DH tried to placate MIL she said petulantly, “Well, I’m just not going then!!” Really? Because our kids are going to be around for a day and half of her seven day visit to Colorado and South Dakota, she’ll blow off the entire trip AND the family reunion? Judas. What a drama lama!!
When DH got home he was actually amused. AMUSED. He called his sister to tell her the latest on his mother and I heard some of the discussion. These are some of the things he said.
“ Yeah, I mean, it was instant, like a flip switched. She was so pissed off. I couldn’t believe it.”
“I don’t think she’ll go to counseling . . . Nope . . . so, what if she does, she’s just going to LIE to the therapist. And what good is that? Counseling with her is pointless.”
“I know, but it’s not so much that. Mom’s problem is this this whole Narcissistic Personality Disorder she has. It isn’t fixable. She isn’t going to change.”
Holy shit. Did you read that? DID YOU READ THAT?
DH is paying attention. *snoopy dance*
As I may have said before, DH is trying to understand, and it is oh so hard for him. And I’m trying to teach him, while getting the feeling from him that he isn’t interested. But he is listening and last night proved it.
We have been LC with MIL for four months now and the girls have really only seen MIL twice for any length of time. That time length being less than 15 minutes. That is going to change though.
The second week of June we are going to South Dakota for a large family reunion that is to span four days. We’ll only be there for three. This is DH’s side of the family. Namely MIL’s two older brothers and their wives have planned this entire event. These are the Uncles who stepped up at our wedding and paid for and planned our “rehearsal” dinner the night before our wedding. These are the uncles who went out of the way to do something nice, AND who made sure to keep MIL away from us that same evening when she was stumbling around drunk. They know all about their fucked up sister. Of course, though, MIL plans on being there. This should prove to be very interesting and very TOXIC. Not only do I know for a fact that MIL will drink until she’s sloppy drunk and spewing meanness, she doesn’t even LIKE her family and they don’t like her. Throw in the fact that I can’t stand her, and her two granddaughters don’t want to have anything to do with her and it’s going to get ugly. Why exactly?
Because MIL is going to play pretend that everything is just fine. That I love her, that she loves living in the same state as us and everything is going great, that her granddaughters love their grandma because she's so awesome. She (without saying it) will fully expect that we play along with her fantasy. She’s going to expect it because that’s what we’ve always done. Until now that is. When that doesn’t happen, when the fantasy she’s built up fails around her, she’s going to melt down like, well, the Wicked Witch of the West. I am prepared to be as pleasant as possible, but this will entail keeping away from her entirely, as well as keeping the girls away from her. If she’s in the same room as us and she thinks she’s going to call the girls over to say, Aunt Junie B, and have a sweet granny conversation to show HER granddaughters off like she’s Grandma of the Year, MIL is going to have a rude awakening. I plan to ignore her. I will walk away and pretend she isn’t even in the room. Let her explain to whoever what the hell THAT was about. If asked by anyone, I will tell them the truth. That she’s not nice, and she’s nasty to the girls and the girls don’t want to have anything to do with her. Because of that, even at a family reunion, we will keep them away from her. I do not intend to make a huge deal about it or carry on a gossipy conversation, but I am done protecting her and acting like everything is fine. As they say – drag the evil shadow out into the light and watch it shrivel and die. Every one of these relatives KNOW her. None of them have a relationship with her for a reason. I don’t foresee backlash from ANYONE about speaking the truth.
What’s scheduled to happen is that MIL is flying to SIL’s state, visit for a few days and then MIL and SIL and BIL and their kids are all going to drive to South Dakota for the reunion. We will meet them there. It lasts through Sunday. SIL called and talked to DH a few weeks ago and wanted to know if they could take our girls back to Colorado with them to stay for a few weeks. Initially, I was flipped out about this. I don’t want them NEAR MIL. MIL will be in that van and then will stay one more day and a half until she flies back home. That gives MIL any number of opportunities to sink her claws into our girls. I was practically hyperventilating. Even the girls got wide eye’d and said they weren’t sure they wanted go with them. Let me tell you, our girls ADORE going to Colorado to be with their aunt and cousins. There is nothing they’d rather do more. So that tells you just how much they don’t want to be around that wench if they were considering not going. After some discussions, we decided it would be okay if SIL and family promises to keep them protected. They will only have to be with her a day and a half before she leaves anyway. Trust me when I say, SIL, as much as she annoys ME, is kind of a bitchy pit bull when it comes to her mother. She doesn’t put up with too much crap from her, which is why MIL has visited SIL maybe three times in 12 years. It’s no fun for MIL. There’s no supply for her there, nobody puts up with her for very long. Even my BIL puts her in her place without blinking an eye.
So, fast forward to yesterday when DH goes over to MIL’s to do some task and mentions to MIL that the girls are going back to Colorado with them after the reunion. MIL blew a gasket! DH was shocked. He said it was like a light switch flipped. She instantly got pissy, saying she didn’t want them going to Colorado because it would interrupt HER time with SIL. As if MIL cares about time with SIL. She's avoided her for 12 years. But she isn't getting the narc supply from us anymore, so she's going to give SIL's family another shot. And now, a visit by our girls will put a cramp into that. If the girls are around, they are naturally going to suck ALL of the attention out of the room. Every last drop. MIL knows this. My SIL, to her credit, is an elementary school teacher and loves children. My husband is probably the one person she has the closest relationship with anyone else in the world (besides her husband) and these are her brother’s kids. BIL just retired from being a high school teacher and also loves kids. The girls two cousin’s will be home from college and they like spending time with them as well. The girls worship their cousins because they are the cooler older kids, but who actually like being with their cousins, even if they are near tweens. It will definitely be ALL about the girls. So sad for MIL. Boo hoo.
When DH tried to placate MIL she said petulantly, “Well, I’m just not going then!!” Really? Because our kids are going to be around for a day and half of her seven day visit to Colorado and South Dakota, she’ll blow off the entire trip AND the family reunion? Judas. What a drama lama!!
When DH got home he was actually amused. AMUSED. He called his sister to tell her the latest on his mother and I heard some of the discussion. These are some of the things he said.
“ Yeah, I mean, it was instant, like a flip switched. She was so pissed off. I couldn’t believe it.”
“I don’t think she’ll go to counseling . . . Nope . . . so, what if she does, she’s just going to LIE to the therapist. And what good is that? Counseling with her is pointless.”
“I know, but it’s not so much that. Mom’s problem is this this whole Narcissistic Personality Disorder she has. It isn’t fixable. She isn’t going to change.”
Holy shit. Did you read that? DID YOU READ THAT?
DH is paying attention. *snoopy dance*
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine
Most people who know anything about N’s know that they have a hang up on gifts. Giving them specifically. I learned very early on that accepting anything from MIL was fraught with peril and came with strings -- always. And it doesn’t even have to be gifts. She could turn ME doing a favor for HER into something I should feel guilty and ashamed of. It was unbelievable.
Pretty early into our dating relationship, MIL asked me to do her a favor around Christmas time. She wanted me to pick something up for DH for her and wrap it, or at least that’s what I recall I did. It was so long ago I don’t remember specifics exactly, but I she asked if I minded doing something for HER, which I did with no problem at all. After I did it she sent me a little stuffed ladybug and a thank you card for doing that. I thought that was nice, and I actually started warming up to her thinking MAYBE we were going to get along after all. Oh, but she made sure to shit all over that, and pretty quick. About a week later DH says to me (being her news bearer) “my mom says that I need to give you her phone number.” Perplexed I said, “But I have her phone number.” He agreed, but he said “that’s my mom’s way of telling you that you need to call her to thank her for the ladybug and card.” So … I need to thank her, for thanking me for doing something for HER?? What the what??? That was the last time I ever believed we’d ever have a relationship. She was just dead set on ruining it every chance she got. Every time I thought we might actually be friends she'd ruin it with some huge crash and burn that you couldn't ignore. She’s like Lucy with the football, “come on Charlie Brown, I promise I’ll hold the ball steady for you, I won’t move it!” That’s what she does. She moves the rules of polite discourse to try and make you look like a heel.
My first Christmas with DH I tried really hard to get MIL a gift she would appreciate. I didn’t know what she was then and I didn’t know it was a losing battle, but I was beginning to figure it out. EVERYTHING I saw that looked like MIL’s personality and suggested to DH “What about that?” came with a negative response “Nope. She wouldn’t like that.” What the hell? Does she like ANYTHING? I ended up spending $50 to get her a really nice pen, in a zebra pattern (she likes animal prints) that came in a cool case she could keep in her purse. Guess what I got from her!! I got three cellophane sleeves you can pull apart to use as a temporary vase, like the free kind you get at the grocery store when you purchase flowers so you can keep them wet. WTF? No thought, no consideration, just some unequivocal junk. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was like “are you fucking kidding me? This is my Christmas present? The gifts only remotely got better from there. It is ALWAYS some crap she got from a garage sale or Good Will. Sometimes we got picture frames or another gift that we got her that she REGIFTED back to us. When they discuss narcissists and their issues with gift giving, they absolutely SPOT ON. It's rather creepy.
As for her, whatever we get her, she always asks us to bring it back and get something else. I gave up even trying about two years ago. I decided -- screw her. I put more thought into her freaking gift than her own son did. I was going to let DH and his sister worry about getting her gifts. I never again put another thought into a gift for her. Not my problem. Which may be exactly why the hag didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day this year. Oh well.
She has a habit of giving gifts to us on other people’s birthdays, including hers. See Grandma the Unfit post a few entries back. Also when our oldest daughter turned 1, MIL had gifts for us and she gave them to us in front of everyone in a huge spectacle. It was so bizarre. I can’t remember what DH got, but she bought me a Gucci purse that I thought was real, and she told me it was. I was flabbergasted. I figured it out later that it WAS NOT real and she lied about it. She got it from Hong Kong where she goes every year. She knew it wasn’t real. She also gave me on our daughter’s birthday a sterling silver ring with a ginormous amethyst on it. I mean so huge it is gaudy and I have never once worn it. I can’t imagine what everyone else was thinking, but I was embarrassed. How transparent it was to make it all about her. Normally I get a shitty assed Good Will gift, but when she gives gifts in front of a slew up people in order to make a spectacle of herself, she drops in Gucci purses and huge amethyst rings. Hello, obvious??
MIL also can’t stand it if someone else does something for someone else instead of her. One night when MIL had the girls overnight, the girls did some coloring. My youngest told her Grandma that she was going to color a picture for me. After they finished coloring it was time for bed so Youngest left the picture on the table. She told me that when she got up the next morning, Grandma had written on it in childish handwriting like it was from a child “To Grandma from Youngest” and stuck it the refrigerator for everyone to see. This was very disturbing to my daughter. I’m sure she didn’t say anything to her grandmother. They knew even then not to confront her. Nothing good ever came from that. How pathetic is it for that old bat that she has to do that? It’s just sick, sick, sick.
MIL also lives to take gifts back, stating that she never gave it to whoever to begin with. It was just a loan. Shortly before DH and I started dating Jon’s sister got a car that belonged to her grandmother. Nothing fancy, but I’m sure it helped them out. Because SIL got a car, mother-in-law was desperate to unload an old Corvette (limited) Pace Car that she had. It didn’t run well and could stand a new paint job. It was pretty nice. She had it shipped all the way from California to the Midwest and gave it to DH. He had some work done it and enjoyed it in the summers. When MIL moved here, she let DH park it in her garage because it was only driven in the summer and we didn’t have the space in our garage. She made some comment to DH that it wasn’t his car, it was hers, insisting that she never gave it to him. Never mind she sent the stupid title so he could change it and had it SHIPPED on a car carrier to be delivered over 2,000 miles. Did she really do all that so DH could just take it for a joy ride or what the hell? DH was so annoyed, but he didn’t bother arguing with her about it. She has also given us an antique hall desk that she insists every time she sees it that she might “want that back.” It isn’t happening, but she can continue to keep thinking it.
She also LOVES to give away things that don’t belong to her. DH has made excuse after excuse for her but that woman has taken, absorbed or given away items that belong to us countless times. She insists that the rolling clothes rack we had in our first house in the basement that we loaned to her for a garage sale is HERS. Not. We loaned her a really expensive blow up, queen size bed that can store itself in its own trunk. We purchased it for when we had out of town guests for the extra room in our basement. We only used it once or twice. She had one too, but slightly different looking. We loaned her ours when she had a house full of people. The next time we wanted it, that thing wasn’t anywhere to be found. She insisted she didn’t have it, but said “I sold mine in a garage sale.” She fucking sold ours too!!! Ugh. That thing was $300.00!! DH insists that when I loaned the bed to friends of mine, they never gave it back. They did. They are the most polite people I have ever known. Not returning something they borrowed (something that large) would be completely foreign to them. Their picture is in the dictionary next to the word “Goodness.” DH doesn’t want to believe it or admit his mother sells our stuff without our permission or that she doesn't even give it a thought. She’s infuriating. I hate giving her anything. Wrapping paper – now HERS. Space heater – now HERS. Casserole dishes that had food we made her – now HERS. Step ladder – now HERS.
She’s like the seagulls from finding Nemo “mine, mine, mine, mine” Auuuugh!!
Pretty early into our dating relationship, MIL asked me to do her a favor around Christmas time. She wanted me to pick something up for DH for her and wrap it, or at least that’s what I recall I did. It was so long ago I don’t remember specifics exactly, but I she asked if I minded doing something for HER, which I did with no problem at all. After I did it she sent me a little stuffed ladybug and a thank you card for doing that. I thought that was nice, and I actually started warming up to her thinking MAYBE we were going to get along after all. Oh, but she made sure to shit all over that, and pretty quick. About a week later DH says to me (being her news bearer) “my mom says that I need to give you her phone number.” Perplexed I said, “But I have her phone number.” He agreed, but he said “that’s my mom’s way of telling you that you need to call her to thank her for the ladybug and card.” So … I need to thank her, for thanking me for doing something for HER?? What the what??? That was the last time I ever believed we’d ever have a relationship. She was just dead set on ruining it every chance she got. Every time I thought we might actually be friends she'd ruin it with some huge crash and burn that you couldn't ignore. She’s like Lucy with the football, “come on Charlie Brown, I promise I’ll hold the ball steady for you, I won’t move it!” That’s what she does. She moves the rules of polite discourse to try and make you look like a heel.
My first Christmas with DH I tried really hard to get MIL a gift she would appreciate. I didn’t know what she was then and I didn’t know it was a losing battle, but I was beginning to figure it out. EVERYTHING I saw that looked like MIL’s personality and suggested to DH “What about that?” came with a negative response “Nope. She wouldn’t like that.” What the hell? Does she like ANYTHING? I ended up spending $50 to get her a really nice pen, in a zebra pattern (she likes animal prints) that came in a cool case she could keep in her purse. Guess what I got from her!! I got three cellophane sleeves you can pull apart to use as a temporary vase, like the free kind you get at the grocery store when you purchase flowers so you can keep them wet. WTF? No thought, no consideration, just some unequivocal junk. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was like “are you fucking kidding me? This is my Christmas present? The gifts only remotely got better from there. It is ALWAYS some crap she got from a garage sale or Good Will. Sometimes we got picture frames or another gift that we got her that she REGIFTED back to us. When they discuss narcissists and their issues with gift giving, they absolutely SPOT ON. It's rather creepy.
As for her, whatever we get her, she always asks us to bring it back and get something else. I gave up even trying about two years ago. I decided -- screw her. I put more thought into her freaking gift than her own son did. I was going to let DH and his sister worry about getting her gifts. I never again put another thought into a gift for her. Not my problem. Which may be exactly why the hag didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day this year. Oh well.
She has a habit of giving gifts to us on other people’s birthdays, including hers. See Grandma the Unfit post a few entries back. Also when our oldest daughter turned 1, MIL had gifts for us and she gave them to us in front of everyone in a huge spectacle. It was so bizarre. I can’t remember what DH got, but she bought me a Gucci purse that I thought was real, and she told me it was. I was flabbergasted. I figured it out later that it WAS NOT real and she lied about it. She got it from Hong Kong where she goes every year. She knew it wasn’t real. She also gave me on our daughter’s birthday a sterling silver ring with a ginormous amethyst on it. I mean so huge it is gaudy and I have never once worn it. I can’t imagine what everyone else was thinking, but I was embarrassed. How transparent it was to make it all about her. Normally I get a shitty assed Good Will gift, but when she gives gifts in front of a slew up people in order to make a spectacle of herself, she drops in Gucci purses and huge amethyst rings. Hello, obvious??
MIL also can’t stand it if someone else does something for someone else instead of her. One night when MIL had the girls overnight, the girls did some coloring. My youngest told her Grandma that she was going to color a picture for me. After they finished coloring it was time for bed so Youngest left the picture on the table. She told me that when she got up the next morning, Grandma had written on it in childish handwriting like it was from a child “To Grandma from Youngest” and stuck it the refrigerator for everyone to see. This was very disturbing to my daughter. I’m sure she didn’t say anything to her grandmother. They knew even then not to confront her. Nothing good ever came from that. How pathetic is it for that old bat that she has to do that? It’s just sick, sick, sick.
MIL also lives to take gifts back, stating that she never gave it to whoever to begin with. It was just a loan. Shortly before DH and I started dating Jon’s sister got a car that belonged to her grandmother. Nothing fancy, but I’m sure it helped them out. Because SIL got a car, mother-in-law was desperate to unload an old Corvette (limited) Pace Car that she had. It didn’t run well and could stand a new paint job. It was pretty nice. She had it shipped all the way from California to the Midwest and gave it to DH. He had some work done it and enjoyed it in the summers. When MIL moved here, she let DH park it in her garage because it was only driven in the summer and we didn’t have the space in our garage. She made some comment to DH that it wasn’t his car, it was hers, insisting that she never gave it to him. Never mind she sent the stupid title so he could change it and had it SHIPPED on a car carrier to be delivered over 2,000 miles. Did she really do all that so DH could just take it for a joy ride or what the hell? DH was so annoyed, but he didn’t bother arguing with her about it. She has also given us an antique hall desk that she insists every time she sees it that she might “want that back.” It isn’t happening, but she can continue to keep thinking it.
She also LOVES to give away things that don’t belong to her. DH has made excuse after excuse for her but that woman has taken, absorbed or given away items that belong to us countless times. She insists that the rolling clothes rack we had in our first house in the basement that we loaned to her for a garage sale is HERS. Not. We loaned her a really expensive blow up, queen size bed that can store itself in its own trunk. We purchased it for when we had out of town guests for the extra room in our basement. We only used it once or twice. She had one too, but slightly different looking. We loaned her ours when she had a house full of people. The next time we wanted it, that thing wasn’t anywhere to be found. She insisted she didn’t have it, but said “I sold mine in a garage sale.” She fucking sold ours too!!! Ugh. That thing was $300.00!! DH insists that when I loaned the bed to friends of mine, they never gave it back. They did. They are the most polite people I have ever known. Not returning something they borrowed (something that large) would be completely foreign to them. Their picture is in the dictionary next to the word “Goodness.” DH doesn’t want to believe it or admit his mother sells our stuff without our permission or that she doesn't even give it a thought. She’s infuriating. I hate giving her anything. Wrapping paper – now HERS. Space heater – now HERS. Casserole dishes that had food we made her – now HERS. Step ladder – now HERS.
She’s like the seagulls from finding Nemo “mine, mine, mine, mine” Auuuugh!!
Thursday, May 7, 2015
That Path Is Now Closed
When I ended the last entry it was ended with the understanding that if WWW wanted to see the girls, then the visit would have to be supervised. Since any time I am in the same orbit as WWW I want to kill her, having me as the supervisory individual isn’t a good idea. It ends up being DH, which I thought was fine.
Since the “family meeting” in February WWW has only had two occasions to see the girls. The first time in March when she had St. Patrick’s Day gifts for them and in April when she has Easter gifts for them. Gifts are big thing with her. She can’t come up with anything other than the thought of a gift as a reason to see her granddaughters, which isn’t really surprising. The visits, as I recall, were only no more than 10 minutes and then the girls scooted out of her house and went and did their thing while DH stayed behind and chatted with his mom about god only knows what. Both of those times, prior to him going over there and many times outside of that I told DH over and over “don’t leave the girls alone with your mom.” “They can’t be at your moms’ without one of us.” Blah Blah. I thought that was I clear. I thought he knew not only why I was saying that, but what it meant. I was so very wrong.
Very frequently the girls like to talk to me about their grandma and especially when they recall something she said or did that they didn’t like. I think talking about her behaviors and some of the things she did to them helps them understand whether or not it was wrong or they are wrong for feeling weird about it. Sometimes, of course, they talk about things that aren’t really that big of a deal. I do realize they are young and don’t often get what’s over the line and what’s not. Two weeks ago I was cleaning the kitchen and they were both talking about Grandma and something she said. I was half listening when something Oldest said made me stop dead in my tracks. “What?” I said. She repeated it. In fact, I was still so shocked I was convinced that I was hearing wrong, and/or that what Grandma said to them was something she said a long time ago, not recent history. But my heart sank because the timeline and her words indicated it happened during one of only two times she has recently had access to them. I was sick in my stomach, because what happened meant that DH took no heed to the only rule I had if the girls were to be near their grandmother. NEVER.EVER.LEAVE.THEM.ALONE.WITH.HER.
Recall that three months ago during the family meeting, the girls brought up things that WWW was doing that was hurting their relationship. Remember also that WWW blew it all off and basically said none of that was true. Without calling them liars, she said they were lying. DH and I knew damn well all of it was true, but that’s what she did.
Apparently during the Easter visit just after DH and the girls arrived at WWW’s house, WWW asked DH to go fix her computer, which is located in her office. DH, clearly not understanding the degree to which I meant DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH HER, sauntered off to do her bidding. This left the girls alone in the living room with her. This is the first opportunity since January that she has alone with the girls. You know, the granddaughters she claims to love and want a relationship with. She took that opportunity to hiss at the girls “WHY DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER ALL THOSE LIES ABOUT ME!! If you would quit telling lies, we’d have a better relationship.” I don’t know what all else she said, but that was the gist of the conversation. It didn’t matter to her that she knew the girls were afraid of her, it didn’t matter to her that we were keeping the girls away from her because of her nasty behavior. She lit into them anyway blaming them for LYING which they did not do. She, of course, shut up when DH walked back out of her office, but she’d done what she set out to do. Relieved herself of her guilt and shit all over their relationship yet again.
I was so ill. This is what I was afraid of. This is exactly why I told DH he is never to leave them alone. When I said that, I meant it literally and completely. Their own father is so clueless to the treachery of his mother that he trusted her with their emotional safety enough to walk out of the room. Even when I warned him over and over not too. That’s when I realized he was far worse than I thought.
We talked about it later and he was very upset with himself. He did not, absolutely not did understand why he shouldn’t leave them alone. He didn’t get it. He just thought the girls were safe if he were in the same house as her. NOT. I told him that we cannot walk FIVE FEET away from our girls if his mother is within breathing space. NOT EVER. I can only hope he gets it now, but I admit to being unsure. I didn't think my only rule was that hard to understand, he couldn't even grasp that?! It's hard for a normal person to fathom. :(
It doesn’t matter though. She isn’t even allowed supervised visits now. Nobody on the planet wants anything to do with her. She’s ruined her relationship with the girls, and since she isn’t going to change, there’s no reason to believe the relationship has a chance in hell of improving so we aren’t even going to waste the girls’ time. If they don’t want to see her, even DH isn’t going to make them.
WWW doesn’t know this yet, but eventually she’ll figure it out. She’s slowly getting consequences for her actions. Not that she’ll learn anything. She never does. Stupid bitch.
Since the “family meeting” in February WWW has only had two occasions to see the girls. The first time in March when she had St. Patrick’s Day gifts for them and in April when she has Easter gifts for them. Gifts are big thing with her. She can’t come up with anything other than the thought of a gift as a reason to see her granddaughters, which isn’t really surprising. The visits, as I recall, were only no more than 10 minutes and then the girls scooted out of her house and went and did their thing while DH stayed behind and chatted with his mom about god only knows what. Both of those times, prior to him going over there and many times outside of that I told DH over and over “don’t leave the girls alone with your mom.” “They can’t be at your moms’ without one of us.” Blah Blah. I thought that was I clear. I thought he knew not only why I was saying that, but what it meant. I was so very wrong.
Very frequently the girls like to talk to me about their grandma and especially when they recall something she said or did that they didn’t like. I think talking about her behaviors and some of the things she did to them helps them understand whether or not it was wrong or they are wrong for feeling weird about it. Sometimes, of course, they talk about things that aren’t really that big of a deal. I do realize they are young and don’t often get what’s over the line and what’s not. Two weeks ago I was cleaning the kitchen and they were both talking about Grandma and something she said. I was half listening when something Oldest said made me stop dead in my tracks. “What?” I said. She repeated it. In fact, I was still so shocked I was convinced that I was hearing wrong, and/or that what Grandma said to them was something she said a long time ago, not recent history. But my heart sank because the timeline and her words indicated it happened during one of only two times she has recently had access to them. I was sick in my stomach, because what happened meant that DH took no heed to the only rule I had if the girls were to be near their grandmother. NEVER.EVER.LEAVE.THEM.ALONE.WITH.HER.
Recall that three months ago during the family meeting, the girls brought up things that WWW was doing that was hurting their relationship. Remember also that WWW blew it all off and basically said none of that was true. Without calling them liars, she said they were lying. DH and I knew damn well all of it was true, but that’s what she did.
Apparently during the Easter visit just after DH and the girls arrived at WWW’s house, WWW asked DH to go fix her computer, which is located in her office. DH, clearly not understanding the degree to which I meant DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH HER, sauntered off to do her bidding. This left the girls alone in the living room with her. This is the first opportunity since January that she has alone with the girls. You know, the granddaughters she claims to love and want a relationship with. She took that opportunity to hiss at the girls “WHY DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER ALL THOSE LIES ABOUT ME!! If you would quit telling lies, we’d have a better relationship.” I don’t know what all else she said, but that was the gist of the conversation. It didn’t matter to her that she knew the girls were afraid of her, it didn’t matter to her that we were keeping the girls away from her because of her nasty behavior. She lit into them anyway blaming them for LYING which they did not do. She, of course, shut up when DH walked back out of her office, but she’d done what she set out to do. Relieved herself of her guilt and shit all over their relationship yet again.
I was so ill. This is what I was afraid of. This is exactly why I told DH he is never to leave them alone. When I said that, I meant it literally and completely. Their own father is so clueless to the treachery of his mother that he trusted her with their emotional safety enough to walk out of the room. Even when I warned him over and over not too. That’s when I realized he was far worse than I thought.
We talked about it later and he was very upset with himself. He did not, absolutely not did understand why he shouldn’t leave them alone. He didn’t get it. He just thought the girls were safe if he were in the same house as her. NOT. I told him that we cannot walk FIVE FEET away from our girls if his mother is within breathing space. NOT EVER. I can only hope he gets it now, but I admit to being unsure. I didn't think my only rule was that hard to understand, he couldn't even grasp that?! It's hard for a normal person to fathom. :(
It doesn’t matter though. She isn’t even allowed supervised visits now. Nobody on the planet wants anything to do with her. She’s ruined her relationship with the girls, and since she isn’t going to change, there’s no reason to believe the relationship has a chance in hell of improving so we aren’t even going to waste the girls’ time. If they don’t want to see her, even DH isn’t going to make them.
WWW doesn’t know this yet, but eventually she’ll figure it out. She’s slowly getting consequences for her actions. Not that she’ll learn anything. She never does. Stupid bitch.
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