Thursday, May 7, 2015

That Path Is Now Closed

When I ended the last entry it was ended with the understanding that if WWW wanted to see the girls, then the visit would have to be supervised. Since any time I am in the same orbit as WWW I want to kill her, having me as the supervisory individual isn’t a good idea. It ends up being DH, which I thought was fine.

Since the “family meeting” in February WWW has only had two occasions to see the girls. The first time in March when she had St. Patrick’s Day gifts for them and in April when she has Easter gifts for them. Gifts are big thing with her. She can’t come up with anything other than the thought of a gift as a reason to see her granddaughters, which isn’t really surprising. The visits, as I recall, were only no more than 10 minutes and then the girls scooted out of her house and went and did their thing while DH stayed behind and chatted with his mom about god only knows what. Both of those times, prior to him going over there and many times outside of that I told DH over and over “don’t leave the girls alone with your mom.” “They can’t be at your moms’ without one of us.” Blah Blah. I thought that was I clear. I thought he knew not only why I was saying that, but what it meant. I was so very wrong.

Very frequently the girls like to talk to me about their grandma and especially when they recall something she said or did that they didn’t like. I think talking about her behaviors and some of the things she did to them helps them understand whether or not it was wrong or they are wrong for feeling weird about it. Sometimes, of course, they talk about things that aren’t really that big of a deal. I do realize they are young and don’t often get what’s over the line and what’s not. Two weeks ago I was cleaning the kitchen and they were both talking about Grandma and something she said. I was half listening when something Oldest said made me stop dead in my tracks. “What?” I said. She repeated it. In fact, I was still so shocked I was convinced that I was hearing wrong, and/or that what Grandma said to them was something she said a long time ago, not recent history. But my heart sank because the timeline and her words indicated it happened during one of only two times she has recently had access to them. I was sick in my stomach, because what happened meant that DH took no heed to the only rule I had if the girls were to be near their grandmother. NEVER.EVER.LEAVE.THEM.ALONE.WITH.HER.

Recall that three months ago during the family meeting, the girls brought up things that WWW was doing that was hurting their relationship. Remember also that WWW blew it all off and basically said none of that was true. Without calling them liars, she said they were lying. DH and I knew damn well all of it was true, but that’s what she did.

Apparently during the Easter visit just after DH and the girls arrived at WWW’s house, WWW asked DH to go fix her computer, which is located in her office. DH, clearly not understanding the degree to which I meant DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH HER, sauntered off to do her bidding. This left the girls alone in the living room with her. This is the first opportunity since January that she has alone with the girls. You know, the granddaughters she claims to love and want a relationship with. She took that opportunity to hiss at the girls “WHY DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER ALL THOSE LIES ABOUT ME!! If you would quit telling lies, we’d have a better relationship.” I don’t know what all else she said, but that was the gist of the conversation. It didn’t matter to her that she knew the girls were afraid of her, it didn’t matter to her that we were keeping the girls away from her because of her nasty behavior. She lit into them anyway blaming them for LYING which they did not do. She, of course, shut up when DH walked back out of her office, but she’d done what she set out to do. Relieved herself of her guilt and shit all over their relationship yet again.

I was so ill. This is what I was afraid of. This is exactly why I told DH he is never to leave them alone. When I said that, I meant it literally and completely. Their own father is so clueless to the treachery of his mother that he trusted her with their emotional safety enough to walk out of the room. Even when I warned him over and over not too. That’s when I realized he was far worse than I thought.

We talked about it later and he was very upset with himself. He did not, absolutely not did understand why he shouldn’t leave them alone. He didn’t get it. He just thought the girls were safe if he were in the same house as her. NOT. I told him that we cannot walk FIVE FEET away from our girls if his mother is within breathing space. NOT EVER. I can only hope he gets it now, but I admit to being unsure. I didn't think my only rule was that hard to understand, he couldn't even grasp that?! It's hard for a normal person to fathom. :(

It doesn’t matter though. She isn’t even allowed supervised visits now. Nobody on the planet wants anything to do with her. She’s ruined her relationship with the girls, and since she isn’t going to change, there’s no reason to believe the relationship has a chance in hell of improving so we aren’t even going to waste the girls’ time. If they don’t want to see her, even DH isn’t going to make them.

WWW doesn’t know this yet, but eventually she’ll figure it out. She’s slowly getting consequences for her actions. Not that she’ll learn anything. She never does. Stupid bitch.

2 comments:

  1. OK, not to defend your husband (because I'm not), but your MIL clearly knows how to work him. I bet it didn't even occur to him that she could do all kinds of damage in 10 minutes. I mean really, that is truly unbelievable....unless you know about Ns. So, he popped in to fix the computer, thinking he was doing the right thing, and not realizing the DEPTH of his mother's tactics. It has taken my husband a LONG time to see really see how manipulative his mother is. He doesn't think anything of her motives and often assumes she operates with good intent. It took me a long time to see the depths his mother would go to, to manipulate him and our kids. I mean, if it was OBVIOUS, it'd be a lot harder to get away with.
    I think your husband will get it now. Or at least, he'll do a better job next time. I do think he's trying. I know how hard it is to be patient, especially when your kids are involved, but it's good he was willing to talk about it and think about.

    By the way, gifts are often a big deal with my NM and MIL too, NM uses it them to make people believe she's good and generous (ironically, my oldest son asked about "bribing" in the same breath as asking why his NM always brought so many gifts when she comes. He had heard bribing on a cartoon and had been thinking about it.....) My NMIL uses gifts like your MIL, to gain access. The last time we had a "dust up" was because she had wanted to drop off some applesauce and DH told her no. (She didn't ask why, but just kept working different angles about WHY she HAD to drop off the applesauce. We actually weren't home and couldn't meet up, but she didn't ask about that. And she threw a huge fit, which led to a big "talk" with my husband about her being a "bad" MIL and how she could "change". That was six months ago. Nothings "changed".) MIL will bring one dang jar of her "homemade" applesauce (it's canned and preserved) each time so she always has "something" to bring. Or she had a number of different reasons why she has to drop of something in person. Drives me crazy.

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  2. LOL ... applesauce? Even if homemade, anything works I guess. Definitely your mom and my MIL use the gift thing for the same reason, like you said "to project an image of a good and giving person." It's always something they can point to "see how good I am to you, I'm always giving you things and thinking about you!" And to someone who doesn't' understand narcs, how could you blame for not agreeing? Argh.

    Yes, I think it's going to take both him and I a while to understand the real depths of his mother's evil ways. Truly and honestly I am still astounded that she would behave that way already knowing the girls are on edge with her. It's like adding fuel to a fire and not caring. I was talking to my sister about this and she was just as dumbfounded as I was. I understand the reasons why MIL does this, she has no empathy and doesn't learn or see how her behavior is affecting things, but it still boggles the mind. He is trying to notice. He said to me the other day that he noticed the neighbor kids and the girls were standing in the driveway talking to MIL, and he told me he was watching them carefully... so he's learning and wants me to know he's learning. So hard because she lives 100 feet away. It's almost impossible to escape her. :(

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