Tuesday, July 21, 2015

This Amuses Me, And Then Some


Not exactly sure if it was a hearing, or she got an attorney or what happened, but I was informed by DH yesterday that NMIL cannot boot the Family out of their house. She has no grounds. Doesn't matter if she had a contract with them to fix the basement by June 1. They are fixing the place up, treating it well and have continued to pay their payments each month.

She did NOT get her way. Still not sure what the Family will do. Stay and continue to have to deal with her as the "owner" until they can get a normal loan and buy her out or dump the house and run.

Either way, so glad she was told NO!

She is trying to torment DH again though. She "requested" his presence yet again to show her how to upload pictures and sell something on Ebay like he's shown her 15 TIMES before. The request was just a stunt to get him over there. When he got there, NMIL had all her jewelry out spread out all over the place. She does this occasionally. She loves to look at it and it must make her feel good. Once he arrived, NMIL made the announcement: "I've decided that NOBODY is getting any of my jewelry. I'm demanding that you and Crusty (DH's sister) sell all the jewelry and then give the funds to the charity of my choice."


Nobody gives a rats ass about her jewelry but her. I have no sentimental attachment to her or anything she has. Most of it is her style jewelry picked up in garage sales and estate sales. Not saying the pieces aren't worth anything, but she collects for the sake of saying she bought an expensive piece for .25 cents. It means NOTHING. Her own daughter wears no makeup, and barely any jewelry. Why she thinks anyone cares is all in her own mind.

Once DH got home and got off the phone with his sister who he told about their mother's new declaration, he and she had a good laugh. DH and Crusty are the only ones in the will besides the grandchildren (and likely not mine). Furthermore, DH is most likely the executor. They've already agreed that she's going to be dead!! WTF is she going to do to make sure they comply? I agree with this since the attorney isn't going to oversee what happens. He'll accept whatever they say anyway. Who's to know what's in her freaking jewelry pile? Who's to say they don't remove what they want, and sell the rest of the shit? The bitch will be DEAD. If nobody complains how the estate is divided, the attorney isn't going to give a RIP. That's why there are executors. Which will be MY HUSBAND. I've been through this process with both of my parents, and with Jon's dad. I know how involved the attorney gets. Not very. I also have worked as a paralegal for a trust and estates attorney. I know the process. Even better, NMIL has a "Living Trust" which she thinks she's so damn smart for having because that means nothing has to go through probate, which only makes it easier for DH and his sister to whatever they want with it anyway because as soon as she dies the trust immediately reverts ownership to the beneficiaries without probate. She's so smart she's screwed herself!

This is the one time the cock sure narcissist is so convinced she's going to get her way, even when she's dead, that she doesn't realize how her sick wishes have already been screwed over.

This amuses me.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

No Place Like Home - A Horror Story

I’m not sure why it surprises me when NMIL does something worse than she’s ever done before. Surely she can get worse, she always has. This time, however, her claws aren’t into my family. She’s actually been relatively quiet so-to-speak, and now I know why.

When NMIL built her house across the street, she built it so that her basement was a complete apartment with two bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen, dining area and small living room. There is even a laundry area. I won’t go into the reasons she does this for this story, but I needed to include this apartment in an explanation.

About three years ago a family who had filed for bankruptcy needed a place to stay while they saved money and improved their credit in order to build a house on property they owned. NMIL’s previous renter moved out and suggested to NMIL that this family may want to rent the apartment. Sure enough, they did. The problem as I see it, was that in this family was a mother, a father and four children under the age of 5 living in this small space with two bedrooms. But, they did it. They lived there for almost three years. While they lived there, all seemed fine with NMIL. She seemed to really like them and you know … was there best friend, charming, giving, blah blah blah. She bought gifts for the little girls, and cooed over them and in general was the wonderful landlady.

I never had much to do with them. I thought they were odd. They NEVER let their oldest two play in the yard, even when they kids were older, never let them come over to our house, never let their kids play with mine on the swing set in the backyard. It’s almost like they acted like they were too good for us. After a while, I suspected that NMIL had bitched about me to them and they believed her stories and that’s why they didn’t have anything to do with me or my kids. They LOVED DH though. Always said hi, waved when they drove by. No big to me. I just ignored them.

Fast forward to February of this year.

A house on the other cul-de-sac in my neighborhood had gone up for sale. It was severely damaged by the previous owners who moved out in the middle of the night because they were about to be foreclosed on. The bank who took over did not winterize it. Over the winter, the pipes blew and flooded the home. In the summer, mold crept up the walls and it began to stink until someone realized the home was not winterized. It was a huge mess and the entire basement had to be ripped out, and much of the upstairs drywall as well. It was a shame because the house wasn’t even 10 years old and stupidity basically ruined it.

Since the home was for sale dirt cheap, NMIL purchased the home and then sold it on Land Contract to the basement family who had since decided not to build on their land. They couldn’t get any decent loans anyway. The deal was that NMIL would provide the supplies and the Family Father would fix the home and make it livable. He did this FOR FREE. He worked for weeks, including help from DH FOR FREE, ripping out the walls, the disgusting soaking wet, moldy carpet, etc. Within two months, the home was inhabitable, and the family moved in the end of March. They were so excited to have home, and bedrooms for everyone. The basement was going to be a family and playroom for the girls, but it was yet unfinished, but in progress. I did not know this, but apparently in the Land Contract there was a stipulation in there by NMIL that Family Father had to finish the basement by June 1. Why that was in there I don’t know. There is no reason for it to be finished. None at all. He was doing all the work, and they were living there. He and his wife have full time jobs and four children to raise. It gave him two months to finish the basement.

This is where controlling NMIL comes into the picture.

Apparently NMIL changed her mind all the time. She told him the things she wanted done, and how to do it. What colors to use, and where to put up walls, etc. etc. Constantly she was changing her mind, and this caused the work to slow and the Family Father to start getting pissed. She rode his ass to get it finished. She did this because she loves power, loves wielding it and feeling like someone important. She loves people to jump when she says so, and if you don't ... watch out. She came over whenever she wanted, and even went so far as to purchase art and knick knacks for the house and DECORATE it. Literally -- she was decorating their home with shit they didn’t want. She continued to ride their ass, and say nasty things to the Family Mother to the point it would make her cry. Apparently one night they called my husband over to help Family Father do something and when NMIL found out, she went over to their house in a drunken rage getting up into Family Mother’s face and pointing her finger in her face screaming “DON’T YOU EVER CALL MY SON (there’s that MY SON shit again) FOR ANYTHING WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!” I’m telling you, she thinks she owns him.

Come June 1 when the basement wasn’t done, she filed papers to boot them out of the house. This family has done NOTHING to her. In fact, they did all the labor for free. They made their payments on time, were taking care of the house. The only thing was that NMIL was pissed because they were arguing with her about her horrific, unreasonable demands. NMIL isn’t going to lose, ever. She doesn’t give a fig about the family, or their little girls finally being settled or anything. All she gives a shit about is winning. She’ll simply toss them out because they haven’t done exactly what the contract says. Never mind I’m not entirely sure she can do that.

Long story short the family is giving up the house. They have an attorney, but they don’t even care if they win in court, because wining only means she stays the person who owns their house and they don’t want to have anything to do with her. The Family Mother is beside herself. Lamenting that they were “so happy” finally and now NMIL is doing this to them.

Just goes to show you to NEVER, NOT EVER let take anything from a narcissist, even a loan, because they will screw you over and hold it over your head until your dying day. This is why NMIL hasn’t bothered with us or annoyed DH too much. She’s getting her supply from here and it’s THE ONLY PLACE she can get it. Once this is done, she’ll turn back to us, but DH is already stepping away from her. There isn’t much left.

I’ve tried to talk to this family about NMIL’s NPD, because they don’t understand. Strangely, whenever I go over there to talk to them, there is nobody home. The blinds are down and you can’t see anything but a chair and an end table through the front door. For all I know they’ve moved out and left that so that’s the only thing you can see and they aren’t telling anyone. I suspect something is up, but I’m keeping my mouth shut. I wouldn’t feel bad to watch the house get destroyed all over again.

It would serve that bitch right.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

But I Said No!

This entry will be another branch off the previous entry related to gifts. MIL likes to give gifts whether you want them or not. Every time I think of this particular situation I get angry, because it was overt ONLY to me.

MIL likes to garage sale. One day she purchased a used, plastic Fisher Price kitchen set and called me to ask if I wanted it for our almost three year old daughter (Eldest). I told her no, because I wanted to buy a kitchen set myself for our daughter when she was a little older. This was something I was saving to do when our daughter was about five. I was really excited about it, but wanted to have one when she could appreciate it more. As a kid I loved my kitchen set and wanted to be a part of the one we got our daughter. I told my MIL this as part of the reason to politely tell her no, and the reason why. Why I was so nice to that bitch for years I’ll never know. She never deserved it.

About a half hour after I told MIL “no” to the garage sale kitchen set, I was heading upstairs with laundry to fold when DH called me out to the garage. When I got out there I saw that, despite my wishes, MIL had brought over the kitchen set, including plastic food and toy dishes, set them down, got my daughter and let her start playing with it. I stood there in complete shock, taking in what she just did. I looked over to see that evil hag give me a huge smile and waved her hand at my daughter who was playing with the kitchen set and said: “See? See how much she loves it?!!” I was so upset. If I took the kitchen set away, I’d look like the bad guy to my three year old. MIL knew exactly what she was doing. My husband was clueless to all of it. He wasn’t aware she’d just called and asked if we wanted it and that I said “no,” and that she completely undermined my wishes. The entire happy scene just looked like MIL was being an awesome grandma! I'm sure my husband was thinking "look at what a nice and fun thing my mom did!!" I knew that if I were to say anything, anything at all, I’d look like a complaining, unreasonable brat.

A few minutes later MIL followed me into the house and gloated over how much my daughter loved the kitchen set. I was barely listening to her while cleaning up the kitchen. Cleaning the kitchen was the only excuse I could find so I didn't have to look at her or really engage with her, lest I rip her hair out. At one point while she was carrying on with her gloat and trying to convince me what she did was perfectly fine, MIL reached out and put her hand on my arm/wrist as if to stop me from walking away from her. Bad move. I was already trying maintain my calm, so her touching me was like acid. I stopped what I was doing, glared at her hand grabbing me and immediately yanked my hand away from her. When I did this, my arm did an unconscious flail away from her and my arm went in a big loop as it was pulled out of her grasp. She didn’t even bat an eye or acknowledge what I had just done. At the time I did it, I thought “oops, way to show her that you can’t stand her, M.A.” but she didn’t even appear to notice. I thought that was weird.

After MIL finished her yapping, about five minutes later, she went home. A few hours later when things has calmed down and our daughter was in bed, MIL called DH on the phone and told him that when she was in the kitchen talking to me that I “physically attacked her.” She was twisting the story of HER grabbing ME and stating that I “attacked” her. It was absurd. This was another one of her colossal lies. One that was so preposterous as to be funny if it weren’t so fucked up. As if she’d wait four hours to tell her beloved son that I “attacked her” if I really had. What a joke. DH of course didn’t believe it, but he let his mom get away with behavior like that all the time. He questions me, gets my answer, realizes his mother was lying again, and blows it off.

It has been issues like this over years and years that just sent me over the edge. When I relive these experiences and write them down I get so upset with myself. Why did I allow her to do this to me over and over? This was par for the course with her. And every time I just let her walk all over me!! This is why I now have no patience with her, no sympathy for her, no good will, no desire to think the best, no tolerance left AT ALL.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Stealing Her Thunder

We had a tiny, blessed little bit of progress yesterday, and I could have done a dance.

As I may have said before, DH is trying to understand, and it is oh so hard for him. And I’m trying to teach him, while getting the feeling from him that he isn’t interested. But he is listening and last night proved it.

We have been LC with MIL for four months now and the girls have really only seen MIL twice for any length of time. That time length being less than 15 minutes. That is going to change though.

The second week of June we are going to South Dakota for a large family reunion that is to span four days. We’ll only be there for three. This is DH’s side of the family. Namely MIL’s two older brothers and their wives have planned this entire event. These are the Uncles who stepped up at our wedding and paid for and planned our “rehearsal” dinner the night before our wedding. These are the uncles who went out of the way to do something nice, AND who made sure to keep MIL away from us that same evening when she was stumbling around drunk. They know all about their fucked up sister. Of course, though, MIL plans on being there. This should prove to be very interesting and very TOXIC. Not only do I know for a fact that MIL will drink until she’s sloppy drunk and spewing meanness, she doesn’t even LIKE her family and they don’t like her. Throw in the fact that I can’t stand her, and her two granddaughters don’t want to have anything to do with her and it’s going to get ugly. Why exactly?

Because MIL is going to play pretend that everything is just fine. That I love her, that she loves living in the same state as us and everything is going great, that her granddaughters love their grandma because she's so awesome. She (without saying it) will fully expect that we play along with her fantasy. She’s going to expect it because that’s what we’ve always done. Until now that is. When that doesn’t happen, when the fantasy she’s built up fails around her, she’s going to melt down like, well, the Wicked Witch of the West. I am prepared to be as pleasant as possible, but this will entail keeping away from her entirely, as well as keeping the girls away from her. If she’s in the same room as us and she thinks she’s going to call the girls over to say, Aunt Junie B, and have a sweet granny conversation to show HER granddaughters off like she’s Grandma of the Year, MIL is going to have a rude awakening. I plan to ignore her. I will walk away and pretend she isn’t even in the room. Let her explain to whoever what the hell THAT was about. If asked by anyone, I will tell them the truth. That she’s not nice, and she’s nasty to the girls and the girls don’t want to have anything to do with her. Because of that, even at a family reunion, we will keep them away from her. I do not intend to make a huge deal about it or carry on a gossipy conversation, but I am done protecting her and acting like everything is fine. As they say – drag the evil shadow out into the light and watch it shrivel and die. Every one of these relatives KNOW her. None of them have a relationship with her for a reason. I don’t foresee backlash from ANYONE about speaking the truth.

What’s scheduled to happen is that MIL is flying to SIL’s state, visit for a few days and then MIL and SIL and BIL and their kids are all going to drive to South Dakota for the reunion. We will meet them there. It lasts through Sunday. SIL called and talked to DH a few weeks ago and wanted to know if they could take our girls back to Colorado with them to stay for a few weeks. Initially, I was flipped out about this. I don’t want them NEAR MIL. MIL will be in that van and then will stay one more day and a half until she flies back home. That gives MIL any number of opportunities to sink her claws into our girls. I was practically hyperventilating. Even the girls got wide eye’d and said they weren’t sure they wanted go with them. Let me tell you, our girls ADORE going to Colorado to be with their aunt and cousins. There is nothing they’d rather do more. So that tells you just how much they don’t want to be around that wench if they were considering not going. After some discussions, we decided it would be okay if SIL and family promises to keep them protected. They will only have to be with her a day and a half before she leaves anyway. Trust me when I say, SIL, as much as she annoys ME, is kind of a bitchy pit bull when it comes to her mother. She doesn’t put up with too much crap from her, which is why MIL has visited SIL maybe three times in 12 years. It’s no fun for MIL. There’s no supply for her there, nobody puts up with her for very long. Even my BIL puts her in her place without blinking an eye.

So, fast forward to yesterday when DH goes over to MIL’s to do some task and mentions to MIL that the girls are going back to Colorado with them after the reunion. MIL blew a gasket! DH was shocked. He said it was like a light switch flipped. She instantly got pissy, saying she didn’t want them going to Colorado because it would interrupt HER time with SIL. As if MIL cares about time with SIL. She's avoided her for 12 years. But she isn't getting the narc supply from us anymore, so she's going to give SIL's family another shot. And now, a visit by our girls will put a cramp into that. If the girls are around, they are naturally going to suck ALL of the attention out of the room. Every last drop. MIL knows this. My SIL, to her credit, is an elementary school teacher and loves children. My husband is probably the one person she has the closest relationship with anyone else in the world (besides her husband) and these are her brother’s kids. BIL just retired from being a high school teacher and also loves kids. The girls two cousin’s will be home from college and they like spending time with them as well. The girls worship their cousins because they are the cooler older kids, but who actually like being with their cousins, even if they are near tweens. It will definitely be ALL about the girls. So sad for MIL. Boo hoo.

When DH tried to placate MIL she said petulantly, “Well, I’m just not going then!!” Really? Because our kids are going to be around for a day and half of her seven day visit to Colorado and South Dakota, she’ll blow off the entire trip AND the family reunion? Judas. What a drama lama!!

When DH got home he was actually amused. AMUSED. He called his sister to tell her the latest on his mother and I heard some of the discussion. These are some of the things he said.

“ Yeah, I mean, it was instant, like a flip switched. She was so pissed off. I couldn’t believe it.”

“I don’t think she’ll go to counseling . . . Nope . . . so, what if she does, she’s just going to LIE to the therapist. And what good is that? Counseling with her is pointless.”

“I know, but it’s not so much that. Mom’s problem is this this whole Narcissistic Personality Disorder she has. It isn’t fixable. She isn’t going to change.”

Holy shit. Did you read that? DID YOU READ THAT?

DH is paying attention. *snoopy dance*

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine

Most people who know anything about N’s know that they have a hang up on gifts. Giving them specifically. I learned very early on that accepting anything from MIL was fraught with peril and came with strings -- always. And it doesn’t even have to be gifts. She could turn ME doing a favor for HER into something I should feel guilty and ashamed of. It was unbelievable.

Pretty early into our dating relationship, MIL asked me to do her a favor around Christmas time. She wanted me to pick something up for DH for her and wrap it, or at least that’s what I recall I did. It was so long ago I don’t remember specifics exactly, but I she asked if I minded doing something for HER, which I did with no problem at all. After I did it she sent me a little stuffed ladybug and a thank you card for doing that. I thought that was nice, and I actually started warming up to her thinking MAYBE we were going to get along after all. Oh, but she made sure to shit all over that, and pretty quick. About a week later DH says to me (being her news bearer) “my mom says that I need to give you her phone number.” Perplexed I said, “But I have her phone number.” He agreed, but he said “that’s my mom’s way of telling you that you need to call her to thank her for the ladybug and card.” So … I need to thank her, for thanking me for doing something for HER?? What the what??? That was the last time I ever believed we’d ever have a relationship. She was just dead set on ruining it every chance she got. Every time I thought we might actually be friends she'd ruin it with some huge crash and burn that you couldn't ignore. She’s like Lucy with the football, “come on Charlie Brown, I promise I’ll hold the ball steady for you, I won’t move it!” That’s what she does. She moves the rules of polite discourse to try and make you look like a heel.

My first Christmas with DH I tried really hard to get MIL a gift she would appreciate. I didn’t know what she was then and I didn’t know it was a losing battle, but I was beginning to figure it out. EVERYTHING I saw that looked like MIL’s personality and suggested to DH “What about that?” came with a negative response “Nope. She wouldn’t like that.” What the hell? Does she like ANYTHING? I ended up spending $50 to get her a really nice pen, in a zebra pattern (she likes animal prints) that came in a cool case she could keep in her purse. Guess what I got from her!! I got three cellophane sleeves you can pull apart to use as a temporary vase, like the free kind you get at the grocery store when you purchase flowers so you can keep them wet. WTF? No thought, no consideration, just some unequivocal junk. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was like “are you fucking kidding me? This is my Christmas present? The gifts only remotely got better from there. It is ALWAYS some crap she got from a garage sale or Good Will. Sometimes we got picture frames or another gift that we got her that she REGIFTED back to us. When they discuss narcissists and their issues with gift giving, they absolutely SPOT ON. It's rather creepy.

As for her, whatever we get her, she always asks us to bring it back and get something else. I gave up even trying about two years ago. I decided -- screw her. I put more thought into her freaking gift than her own son did. I was going to let DH and his sister worry about getting her gifts. I never again put another thought into a gift for her. Not my problem. Which may be exactly why the hag didn’t get anything for Mother’s Day this year. Oh well.

She has a habit of giving gifts to us on other people’s birthdays, including hers. See Grandma the Unfit post a few entries back. Also when our oldest daughter turned 1, MIL had gifts for us and she gave them to us in front of everyone in a huge spectacle. It was so bizarre. I can’t remember what DH got, but she bought me a Gucci purse that I thought was real, and she told me it was. I was flabbergasted. I figured it out later that it WAS NOT real and she lied about it. She got it from Hong Kong where she goes every year. She knew it wasn’t real. She also gave me on our daughter’s birthday a sterling silver ring with a ginormous amethyst on it. I mean so huge it is gaudy and I have never once worn it. I can’t imagine what everyone else was thinking, but I was embarrassed. How transparent it was to make it all about her. Normally I get a shitty assed Good Will gift, but when she gives gifts in front of a slew up people in order to make a spectacle of herself, she drops in Gucci purses and huge amethyst rings. Hello, obvious??

MIL also can’t stand it if someone else does something for someone else instead of her. One night when MIL had the girls overnight, the girls did some coloring. My youngest told her Grandma that she was going to color a picture for me. After they finished coloring it was time for bed so Youngest left the picture on the table. She told me that when she got up the next morning, Grandma had written on it in childish handwriting like it was from a child “To Grandma from Youngest” and stuck it the refrigerator for everyone to see. This was very disturbing to my daughter. I’m sure she didn’t say anything to her grandmother. They knew even then not to confront her. Nothing good ever came from that. How pathetic is it for that old bat that she has to do that? It’s just sick, sick, sick.

MIL also lives to take gifts back, stating that she never gave it to whoever to begin with. It was just a loan. Shortly before DH and I started dating Jon’s sister got a car that belonged to her grandmother. Nothing fancy, but I’m sure it helped them out. Because SIL got a car, mother-in-law was desperate to unload an old Corvette (limited) Pace Car that she had. It didn’t run well and could stand a new paint job. It was pretty nice. She had it shipped all the way from California to the Midwest and gave it to DH. He had some work done it and enjoyed it in the summers. When MIL moved here, she let DH park it in her garage because it was only driven in the summer and we didn’t have the space in our garage. She made some comment to DH that it wasn’t his car, it was hers, insisting that she never gave it to him. Never mind she sent the stupid title so he could change it and had it SHIPPED on a car carrier to be delivered over 2,000 miles. Did she really do all that so DH could just take it for a joy ride or what the hell? DH was so annoyed, but he didn’t bother arguing with her about it. She has also given us an antique hall desk that she insists every time she sees it that she might “want that back.” It isn’t happening, but she can continue to keep thinking it.

She also LOVES to give away things that don’t belong to her. DH has made excuse after excuse for her but that woman has taken, absorbed or given away items that belong to us countless times. She insists that the rolling clothes rack we had in our first house in the basement that we loaned to her for a garage sale is HERS. Not. We loaned her a really expensive blow up, queen size bed that can store itself in its own trunk. We purchased it for when we had out of town guests for the extra room in our basement. We only used it once or twice. She had one too, but slightly different looking. We loaned her ours when she had a house full of people. The next time we wanted it, that thing wasn’t anywhere to be found. She insisted she didn’t have it, but said “I sold mine in a garage sale.” She fucking sold ours too!!! Ugh. That thing was $300.00!! DH insists that when I loaned the bed to friends of mine, they never gave it back. They did. They are the most polite people I have ever known. Not returning something they borrowed (something that large) would be completely foreign to them. Their picture is in the dictionary next to the word “Goodness.” DH doesn’t want to believe it or admit his mother sells our stuff without our permission or that she doesn't even give it a thought. She’s infuriating. I hate giving her anything. Wrapping paper – now HERS. Space heater – now HERS. Casserole dishes that had food we made her – now HERS. Step ladder – now HERS.

She’s like the seagulls from finding Nemo “mine, mine, mine, mine” Auuuugh!!

Thursday, May 7, 2015

That Path Is Now Closed

When I ended the last entry it was ended with the understanding that if WWW wanted to see the girls, then the visit would have to be supervised. Since any time I am in the same orbit as WWW I want to kill her, having me as the supervisory individual isn’t a good idea. It ends up being DH, which I thought was fine.

Since the “family meeting” in February WWW has only had two occasions to see the girls. The first time in March when she had St. Patrick’s Day gifts for them and in April when she has Easter gifts for them. Gifts are big thing with her. She can’t come up with anything other than the thought of a gift as a reason to see her granddaughters, which isn’t really surprising. The visits, as I recall, were only no more than 10 minutes and then the girls scooted out of her house and went and did their thing while DH stayed behind and chatted with his mom about god only knows what. Both of those times, prior to him going over there and many times outside of that I told DH over and over “don’t leave the girls alone with your mom.” “They can’t be at your moms’ without one of us.” Blah Blah. I thought that was I clear. I thought he knew not only why I was saying that, but what it meant. I was so very wrong.

Very frequently the girls like to talk to me about their grandma and especially when they recall something she said or did that they didn’t like. I think talking about her behaviors and some of the things she did to them helps them understand whether or not it was wrong or they are wrong for feeling weird about it. Sometimes, of course, they talk about things that aren’t really that big of a deal. I do realize they are young and don’t often get what’s over the line and what’s not. Two weeks ago I was cleaning the kitchen and they were both talking about Grandma and something she said. I was half listening when something Oldest said made me stop dead in my tracks. “What?” I said. She repeated it. In fact, I was still so shocked I was convinced that I was hearing wrong, and/or that what Grandma said to them was something she said a long time ago, not recent history. But my heart sank because the timeline and her words indicated it happened during one of only two times she has recently had access to them. I was sick in my stomach, because what happened meant that DH took no heed to the only rule I had if the girls were to be near their grandmother. NEVER.EVER.LEAVE.THEM.ALONE.WITH.HER.

Recall that three months ago during the family meeting, the girls brought up things that WWW was doing that was hurting their relationship. Remember also that WWW blew it all off and basically said none of that was true. Without calling them liars, she said they were lying. DH and I knew damn well all of it was true, but that’s what she did.

Apparently during the Easter visit just after DH and the girls arrived at WWW’s house, WWW asked DH to go fix her computer, which is located in her office. DH, clearly not understanding the degree to which I meant DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH HER, sauntered off to do her bidding. This left the girls alone in the living room with her. This is the first opportunity since January that she has alone with the girls. You know, the granddaughters she claims to love and want a relationship with. She took that opportunity to hiss at the girls “WHY DID YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER ALL THOSE LIES ABOUT ME!! If you would quit telling lies, we’d have a better relationship.” I don’t know what all else she said, but that was the gist of the conversation. It didn’t matter to her that she knew the girls were afraid of her, it didn’t matter to her that we were keeping the girls away from her because of her nasty behavior. She lit into them anyway blaming them for LYING which they did not do. She, of course, shut up when DH walked back out of her office, but she’d done what she set out to do. Relieved herself of her guilt and shit all over their relationship yet again.

I was so ill. This is what I was afraid of. This is exactly why I told DH he is never to leave them alone. When I said that, I meant it literally and completely. Their own father is so clueless to the treachery of his mother that he trusted her with their emotional safety enough to walk out of the room. Even when I warned him over and over not too. That’s when I realized he was far worse than I thought.

We talked about it later and he was very upset with himself. He did not, absolutely not did understand why he shouldn’t leave them alone. He didn’t get it. He just thought the girls were safe if he were in the same house as her. NOT. I told him that we cannot walk FIVE FEET away from our girls if his mother is within breathing space. NOT EVER. I can only hope he gets it now, but I admit to being unsure. I didn't think my only rule was that hard to understand, he couldn't even grasp that?! It's hard for a normal person to fathom. :(

It doesn’t matter though. She isn’t even allowed supervised visits now. Nobody on the planet wants anything to do with her. She’s ruined her relationship with the girls, and since she isn’t going to change, there’s no reason to believe the relationship has a chance in hell of improving so we aren’t even going to waste the girls’ time. If they don’t want to see her, even DH isn’t going to make them.

WWW doesn’t know this yet, but eventually she’ll figure it out. She’s slowly getting consequences for her actions. Not that she’ll learn anything. She never does. Stupid bitch.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Still. Again. Ditto. He’s Failing

After the blow out during MIL’s birthday dinner, things changed. Slightly. DH told the girls they did not have to go see their grandmother anymore, in fact, DH and I were on board that she wasn’t allowed to see them, never mind the girls didn’t want to at all anyway. DH started out strong, blazing with anger over her behavior over all of it. He refused to call her. Ignored her really which was fine by me. It took three weeks and then she tentatively sent him a text. I’m not sure of their exchanges, but DH kept them brief. After that she started calling him and leaving voice mail messages for him to call her back and they had short discussions then. He still was stiff with her, but they were talking more. DH did tell me that she said “I know I did something bad, but I don’t remember what.” She said this as if that was a reason to forgive her. As if she didn’t really mean all the horrible things she said and did that night. But, DH was on his game. He said, “Well, if you don’t even remember what happened, then you have a bigger problem than you think and need help.” He was expecting at a MINIMUM an apology to all of us. He indicated she needed therapy for several things as well. And she, playing the game and being all sad and meek, agreed with him. Note, however, at this point it’s been like a month, and not ONCE has she called frantic, knowing she did something bad, but not knowing what, had no real curiosity what “IT” was that she did. I find that strange. If she were a normal person, she would have been mortified, come over, and apologized to everyone immediately. That didn’t happen.

MIL wanted to come over to see the girls. I told DH if she came over it would be for more than just to see the girls. It would be a full on family sit down discussion of her fucked up behavior and what isn’t tolerated. Twice we set a time, a twice she blew us off. It made me so angry. It upset the family. We were thinking she was coming over and we’d all be on pins and needles, then at the last second she’d cancel for stupid shit, like … the weather is too bad. What?? To walk across the cul de sac?

As the six week mark approached I noticed that she was calling as she did before. Just to chat and say hello, and he’d talk to her as always as if nothing in the world had happened. She hadn’t apologized, hadn’t gotten therapy, she had done nothing to deserve his forgiveness, yet there he was treating her just like nothing happened. It hit me then like ton of bricks. He is NEVER, NOT EVER going to hold her accountable for anything she does. Not even when it’s the worse offense she could have done, even in front of our children, even screaming at me that I was a fucking bitch.

I decided I needed to write him a letter and get out what I felt, because at that moment, I felt a lot. In the weeks previous I had been reading my old blog, and was reminded of all of the horrible things I had to endure with that woman. All of the horrible things she did and said and how he never did ANYTHING to fix it. Even if I was sobbing and upset. It was easier for him to let her get away with it and deal with my sadness then hold her accountable or put up any boundaries. When I saw that he was doing it yet again was appalled. But this time was different, because it wasn’t just me, it was our children that were being abused. FULL STOP. This wasn’t going to continue.

This is what I wrote him.


We can discuss later, but you needed to hear this. Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

I’ve been looking through my online journal after cleaning it up. I was curious to go through it to see some of things your mother said or did in years past since I was sure I had forgotten things. It really gave me some clarity, although I didn’t like it.

Looking back over the years since Oldest was born (and even long before) it is obvious that your mother made me miserable, out loud -- often, ramming herself over boundaries like a freight train. She has been quite fond of attacking my character behind my back with some bald face lie she dreamed up that was aimed to make me look bad. In turn, you’d turn around and ask me if I did [*insert ridiculous accusation*] to offend her. You gave her bullshit story enough credence to question me again and again, which caused me to have to defend myself over and over. I never did any of those things she dreamed up. It was so unfair of both of you. One thing was pretty clear though after a lot of reading. You gave your mother reign to malign me and dream up any fantasy story she could whenever it suited her or when she wanted to emotionally bitch about me to make herself feel better. You allowed her to beat me up emotionally, whether passively or aggressively (in my face and not), and didn't hold her accountable. What type of respect can I believe that either of you had for me between the two of you? She disrespected me by every foul word out of her mouth and every boundary she crossed. She was mean and unfair to me from the very first. You disrespected me by letting her do it again and again regardless of what I said or how upset I was. This hindsight sucks. Now she’s tried to do it with our daughters, talking horribly about me and wanting them to think bad of me. Sorry, but that is seriously EVIL. Yet for some reason, you still think having your mom in the girls’ lives is a good idea?

I had hoped that after her fantastic blow out at the beginning of January it would mean something. That things might change. Instead, she is manipulating you all over again. After realizing this last night, I knew things are never going to change. You were mad at her and I thought ready to face things. That lasted all of two weeks. Once she started with the text messages, it was easy for her to progress to brief phone calls, and now you are back to half hour phone conversations with her as if nothing happened.

For some reason I actually contemplated being gracious enough to let her salvage some sort of relationship with the girls by letting her into my house so she can have her “say.” I plead temporary insanity. Without even stepping foot in it, she’s already stirring up discomfort in our house. She has twice now manipulated our family time by not showing up to the family meeting SHE SAID SHE WANTED. She’s done this with lame, selfish excuses that weren’t excuses at all. It’s making the poor girls’ nerves sit on edge, not to mention mine. This is exactly how she manipulates you. She wants something, you bend, she maneuvers, you chase, and now the whole thing about holding HER accountable is somehow now all about her, on her terms, and on her time frame. She’s in control again! She’s not sorry, DH. She’s not sorry at all.

I just want to understand one thing. For all of your new found determination with her since early January what changed so that she now has your pity, attention and kindness? Did she improve something I am unaware of? Did she get counseling or therapy? Did she stop drinking? Did she even apologize? Did she admit she had a problem? Did she do ANYTHING AT ALL to deserve acceptance or forgiveness from you? From where I sit, it really just feels like you feeding your mom’s pity is more important to you than how anyone else in our family feels.

I did a lot of thinking last night between 2:30 and 6:00 a.m. I realize now that you will continue to let her manipulate all of us. If you wouldn’t stop her from emotionally beating me up for a decade, then why should I believe you are capable of keeping her from doing the same to the girls? I guess it’s up to me to protect them from her. A month in, and she’s already gotten a foothold on you and she’s done nothing to earn it. You will let her emotionally torture us all because you will not hold her accountable whether it’s a week from now, a month from now or a year from now.

You have big problem you refuse to see. You enable her. You have been conditioned since a child to react how you do. You have no gauge. You cannot see the damage she has done and is still doing. Since I cannot rely on you to protect the girls, I have to. I have decided since she can’t be controlled then there can be no contact with her and the girls whatsoever. She is a 71 year old self-gratifying, mentally ill, alcoholic with the emotional intelligence of a four year old. There’s no hope for her, but there is for us and she isn’t taking me and the girls down with her. There will be no discussions at our house with your mother. She is not capable of apologizing and meaning it, she isn’t capable of hearing constructive criticism or having an adult conversation without flipping out and causing a scene. A scene that would surely happen and that I will absolutely not subject the girls to. She isn’t capable of not drinking and not putting our kid’s lives on the line. She has had enough of my family and my sanity. I have been more than fair to her despite seeing me as the fucking bitch she thinks I am. I will not put our children into the path of that emotional wreck anymore until she gets some help and there is some real progression. Until then, I see no reason to subject our girls to her or that drama.

You do whatever you want with yourself and her. She doesn’t seem to disrespect you or treat you badly, just the rest of us. You aren’t the one suffering and certainly my anguish over the years hasn’t bothered you enough to want to make a difference. All I ask is that you respect my choice to protect our children and my sanity and self-respect, because you can’t or won’t.

After reading the letter, DH and I communicated and he told his mother she needed to get help before she could have anything to do with the girls. At least, that’s what he told me he told her. I don’ t know. We went another six or seven weeks when one day DH indicated that his mom wanted to see the girls and was allegedly very concerned about how the girls were feeling about her because of her bad behavior at the dinner. He said that she indicated she was seeing a counselor and that he hadn’t seen her drunk or alcohol in her refrigerator in a while. I was skeptical. Again, I indicated that if she planned on coming over it would be to have a real discussion and for her to apologize.

We set a date and time for this to happen. And happen it did.

We were all sitting in the living room when she entered the house. I would have thought (although frankly I should have known better) that she would have come over with a little bit of contrition or humility over the horrible behavior that night. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Why, even though I know better, and I always surprised when she disappoints? Because she does disappoint. Always.

She came into the house wearing the same smug “I’m-better-than-everyone” attitude that she always does. Our daughters had several concerns that they wanted to share with her and had actually taken the time to write a list on their own of the things that Grandma was doing that was hurting their relationship. They wrote this list so that they could discuss them with her and that they would not forget anything in their nervousness. Again, I was assuming that MIL would have a human/rational reaction to this list and possibly even cry when our girls broached them. Oh no. No. No. No.

While our girls gathered their courage to tell her their feelings, she completely minimized everything that she could not deny outright (the drinking and smoking) and then denied everything else they mentioned. Anything that my daughters told her that she did or said to them that hurt them, she basically called them liars (without using those words) because she said those things never happened. I’ve read so much information that says that Narcissists are consummate liars, but I am still shocked to see it in my own family in front of my very own eyes. MIL lied, lied, lied, and lied on top of lied. She sat there and denied my children their reality by saying that everything they witnessed wasn’t true. My daughters looked at me perplexed because she was lying and they had no idea how to handle an ADULT lying to them. There can be no healing or improvement when someone won't acknowledge their problems.

Previously, I had told DH and she was not allowed any continued relationship with the girls until she got therapy. The first thing MIL did before we talked about anything else after we all sat down is start throwing out stipulations like she had some control She said to me “I know that you had want me to get therapy, but I am not the sole cause of the downfall of this relationship and I am going to require you to get counseling as well.” WOW! That she actually had the impudence to assume the right to stipulate what I do is really telling. She’s pretty full of herself. She doesn’t have anything I want. I could care less if she dropped dead tomorrow. There is not one single thing she can do to me to make me do anything she wanted me to do. What is she going to do? Get mad at me? Stop talking to me? Move? Cut me out of her will? There is nothing MIL can do to hold any leverage over me whatsoever. I actually bubbled up laughing when she said that and I responded with “Oh, MIL, I am so not getting counseling because you think I’m the problem. This is all yours.” She truly believes that I am half the reason we have issues and wants me to take the blame as well. Not happening sister.

After more discussions that went very badly, I realized MIL didn’t have any intention of apologizing, taking responsibility for her actions or behaving in any way that she felt sorry for what she did to our daughters or me or DH. She never apologized. Not once. She never showed any true remorse or desire to change or fix things so that she could have a relationship with us.

I began to slowly lose my cool and we began to argue. Jon left the room with the girls and his mother showed every sign of wanting to go toe to toe with me. After a few minutes of heated discussion, I knew how pointless it was. There is no point in trying to reason with someone that will never take responsibility for themselves or even remotely tell the truth. I knew this, but my husband had to witness it too. Yeah, I’d say he witnessed it. I actually got up and asked her to leave my house.

There was one time when I said something that got me a strange look. All the hostility came off her face and she appeared to lose all the blood in her face. While she was getting her coat on after I asked her to leave, she was still blabbering on about me calling her liar. MIL said to me “You only wish I was a liar.” I laughed again at the absurdity of her statement and said with bored resignation: “MIL, I truly don’t wish you were a liar at all. In fact I wish you would just act like a normal human being.”

THAT was the statement that caused the strange look on her face. I have no idea what it was but all pretense was wiped off her face for a second. Very strange. And then she stormed out.

DH was totally on board with everything I said and was completely shell shocked that she sat there and lied and lied and we knew she was lying. It was like DH has taken the red pill and now he saw the truth. I hope she packs back up and moves back to the West Coast like she is threatening to do.
She still had antics for us though. Oldest told me about an incident she had the next day when she got home from school. MIL basically gave my oldest daughter a big “fuck you.” This was one day after our meeting-gone-bad. My daughter was walking the neighbor dog after she got home from school. As she walked by MIL’s house she heard MIL’s front door open. When my daughter looked up at the front door, my MIL glared at her for a second and then slammed the door. MIL saw her walking by and took the opportunity to send her a message in a shitty, passive aggressive way.

Message received.

But apparently not for DH. Still. Again. Ditto. He’s failing.

More on that in the next entry.