As I mentioned in my very first entry, something happened with MIL at the beginning of the year that brought everything hurtling to the forefront once again as far as MIL’s behavior. It was already simmering, but it definitely came to a boil one cold January evening when we took MIL out for a belated birthday dinner. But I’ll get to that later.
For a very long time I’ve managed MIL issues as I could -- day by day. There have been periods of time where she was busy doing her own thing and she didn’t bother us for a while, or periods where she only contacted us when she needed something, and then there have been weird periods of time out of the blue where she’d lean all over DH as if he was the only person in the world. Regardless of HER mood, I was on cruise control, pretty much in denial and simply trying not to let her annoy me. I was able to survive that way for a long time until about a year and a half ago near Halloween when a crack began to appear in my once passive façade.
It was a Saturday afternoon and we were getting the girls into their Halloween costumes because MIL was taking the girls to a local Halloween party that was outside and involved bounce houses. Our house was in a bit of turmoil at that moment because I told both of my girls that they needed decent shoes because it was going to be muddy out and they’d need to be able to slip their shoes on and off easily because of the bounce houses. Unfortunately, shoes have always been a problem for my youngest daughter. She’s one of those sensitive children that cannot tolerate tags in her clothes, seams in her socks, rough or embroidery backing on the inside front of a sweatshirt, etc. Shoes also have to be JUST RIGHT. It’s a struggle. Youngest was having a hard time finding just the right shoes and both DH and I were in her room trying to find something suitable amongst whatever was in her closet that actually fit.
MIL was scheduled to pick the girls up at 2:00 pm. At exactly 2:00 on the dot, MIL flew into the driveway and immediately started honking her horn impatiently. This annoyed me, but I ignored it. When the girls did not come out instantly, she got out of her car and walked into the house making inquiring noises regarding what the girls were doing to take so long. My oldest was ready, but I could hear DH and youngest debating in her bedroom about shoes. It sounded like they were close to coming to a decision. MIL started bickering about the girls being “late.” I explained to MIL that they needed good shoes for what they’d be doing today and we weren’t sure what fit youngest anymore. As my youngest came out into the living room holding the shoes she had chosen to wear she wanted me to help put them on so it would go faster. I squatted down to assist her, listening to MIL continue to whine about the time and how she had to “pick up Janet” and she’d be late. Claire started to say something about her sock not fitting right so we were trying to make it work when MIL just went off, loudly beginning to yell at my children for taking so long. I’m sitting there when it dawns on me that despite the fact that these are MY children and we are in MY house and she’s the one her who offered to take them on this trip and she’s also the one who decided what time she was picking them up, MIL was berating and harassing them right in front of me like it was her prerogative to verbally bash my kids. That was not okay. Not only were my daughters standing right there, but their 9 year old girlfriend friend was as well. This poor little girl stood there listening to MIL’s diatribe with her eyes as round as saucers. MIL’s urgency and bellowing was unpleasant and it was stressing everyone out. I saw no reason for it at all. Had it been 2:15 or something that would have been different, but it was only about 2:02. They certainly were not late.
As I continued to tie shoes, I said very calmly and matter of fact, “MIL, we’ve waited for when you were running late, I think you can be patient for the girls right now.” I did not say it rudely. It was a fact and nothing more than my response to her haranguing my children. Immediately, and I do mean immediately, her eyes popped out of her head and this is the discussion that ensued:
MIL: “I BEG YOUR PARDON?!!!!” YOU HAVE NEVER ONCE HAD TO WAIT FOR ME!!!!”She’s raging at me that I’m a bitch and doing this in front our children and their friend, all because I reminded her that we’ve been patient for her and asking the same courtesy in return. This is what sends this woman into crazed indignation.
Me: Standing up now I said “Yes, MIL, many many times we have waited for you. You can wait just a minute longer. They aren’t late, it’s barely past 2:00.”
MIL: “But I have a friend waiting and it’s rude to make her wait.” [This pissed me off because MIL makes everyone wait for her ALWAYS.]
Me: “That’s never stopped you from making us wait for you before.”
MIL: Now she’s in a rage and she bursts out “YOUUUUU BITCH!!!!”
MIL’s concern that it is rude to make someone wait was absurd. MIL makes everyone wait for her whether she has guests or someone else has guests waiting on her as well. She does not care one jot. She’s late every time we pick her up to go somewhere. She’s late to every event at our home we invite her to. She has been LATE to almost every birthday party we have ever had for our girls, and she was 40 minutes late to her own 70th birthday party when it was being held across the street from her house.
After calling me a bitch, MIL stormed out like a ticked off teenager, the girls following in her wake. I was concerned how she’d treat them but they were getting into the car and excited to go, so I let them. I have no idea how she behaved in the car after that.
After everyone was gone I discussed what happened with DH and I was angry. He seemed stunned that she called me a bitch, and I told him that I was D.O.N.E. with her. He said that he didn’t blame me. But that’s pretty much where it ended. I’m 100% positive that he never said a word to her about it, never told her NOT to say anything like that to me again. It was simply forgotten, by everyone, especially WWW as if it never happened. But, I didn’t forget. I was not kidding when I told DH that I was done and I meant it. From that time forward I ignored her. If she walked into the house, I left the room. I didn’t acknowledge her presence either. If she said hello, I would say it back, but that’s it. This had the effect of really pissing her off because she wasn’t getting the deference from me she felt she deserved, which she absolutely did not. It was tense and I barely allowed her in my orbit unless I had to.
From that point on as well, relations between MIL and our daughters were getting worse. The girls were complaining that they didn’t want to be with her. My youngest threw fits and cried if she was required to spend the night or grandma wanted them for the night. In addition, I began noticing odd controlling behavior with MIL that she was pull right in front of DH and I that was NOT serving to build a strong and loving relationship with her granddaughters. Why she didn’t and doesn’t understand now that her behavior with them has caused them to dislike being around her very much is shocking. But clearly she doesn’t get it. MIL’s relationship with the girls will be another entry. Nonetheless, the girls’ relationship with MIL is what is causing my current crisis and where I feel at a loss on what to do since DH is STILL not getting it.
But, I’m getting ahead of myself. After the bitch calling incident, things continued as I have explained above -- tense with me, and getting worse with the girls. And then came the blow up in early January.
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