Attention seeking. This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Narcissistic mothers love to be waited on and often pepper their children with little requests. “While you’re up…” or its equivalent. You can’t just be assigned a chore at the beginning of the week or of the day, instead, you have to do it on demand, preferably at a time that was inconvenient for you or you were not planning on being available.
I know that every individual who has NDP is different regarding not only their characteristics, but the level of dysfunction applied to each of those characteristics. The attention seeking trait is the basis of MIL’s dysfunction when it comes to DH. The “request a favor” tactic is something she absolutely loves to do. It matters not one whit to her if DH is busy or tired. She will contact DH any time of day regardless of what DH might have planned for that day to perform a myriad of tasks that she either feels is beneath her, even though she is capable of doing said task or a task that she claims ignorance on how to perform, even if said task is something DH has shown her how to do numerous times. 9 times out of 10, DH is on it within minutes, if not immediately, or otherwise he has told her that he’ll be over at “X” time that same day. But God forbid DH do said task when it’s convenient for him, because sometimes, when DH arrives at “X” time, MIL’s left the house with no forewarning. Just “poof.” Nobody home. And there’s DH uselessly knocking on her door wasting his time. This means that DH will have to go back to the drawing board and find another time to do said task. Many times I think MIL becomes unavailable on purpose because she’s pissed he didn’t come over THAT INSTANT when she asked. She’ll show him!! Instead, she’ll leave and make it inconvenient for him so that he damn well will come over next time when she says so. DH would scoff at this suggestion, but she’s done it enough times that I can’t believe she doesn’t realize she’s being extremely rude or she’s actually doing this on purpose to make it so that she controls when he comes over. Not DH. DH never sees behind his mother’s reality. NEVER.
What really upsets me is that DH is so very good to her. He caters to her almost every need that is within his power to do for her. To her, this is nothing short than his due to her, so she sees nothing remarkable in what he’s doing for her. In her mind, since she’s his mother, he owes it to her. She doesn’t love him. His mother isn’t capable of showing real love. She has no idea what it even means. She doesn’t love him, she’s obsessed with him. I can tell with an absolute certainty that if DH suddenly stopped doing these little meaningless tasks for her, she’d drop him like a dirty, wet rag. She would shriek that he must not love her if he won’t do those things for her. She’d be furious and shun him, and unless he shaped up and did whatever she demanded, she’d be done with him. Her “love” is totally conditional. She doesn’t give a s.h.i.t. about him. It sounds harsh, but it's true and it's horrible. She “loves” her son only so far as he continues to do things for her. She doesn’t care about him as her child or as person in his own right. I’m a parent. I know what loving your child means and is like. I don’t love my child or have interest in my child only so far as what they can do for me. I love them anyway. I love their personality, who they are, who they are becoming, I love their little quirks, and the smell of their skin. I enjoy being with them. I may not like some of the things they do, but I love them regardless. It’s ME (the parent) that would be DOING for my children, not the other way around. I expect nothing from them that I claim as my due as a parent. They are individuals, even though sometimes it is hard to remember that I don’t OWN them. I have them for a short time, and I hope that I am raising well mannered, thoughtful children that I can set loose on the world. MIL’s definition of love is what people DO for you. That isn’t love. I don’t know what that is, but love has nothing to do with it!! DH doesn’t understand that. When he hears his mother tell him “I love you” he doesn’t understand that she really doesn’t. It’s lip service and nothing more. She thinks she loves him, and he thinks she thinks she loves him, but her behavior isn’t love and never was.
A narcissistic mother may create odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention. She may love to entertain so she can be the life of her own party. She will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention.Another twist to the “request” factor that supports MIL’s whole attention seeking need, is something I noticed her doing and thought it was nuts. I began to notice that every time MIL had a guest at her house for dinner or drinks, it became common practice for her to call DH on the phone and request his presence RIGHT THEN to take care of some task. At first when she did this I was thinking “Why is she doing that? She has guests over?” After she did that a number of times and I noticed a pattern, I realized she was doing that to show off to whoever was there at her house how wonderful her son is that he jumps on command. “See how my son treats me like a queen?” “See how he’s such a slave to my royal self?” “See how I deserve deference?” “This is how I am to be treated!” Once I figured that out, which was unfortunately very recently, I will practically have to hiss at DH that he is not to go over and do menial tasks for her when she has guests.
Another occasion that she created for herself to be loved and adored was when she requested of DH and his sister (Crunchy) that they throw her a 70th birthday party. If you have to ask for a party, is that any fun? I would never ask for such a thing. I guess MIL wanted to show whatever friends or acquaintances that she had at the time how wonderful her children were because they are so gracious and love her so much that they would throw her a 70th birthday party. Never mind that they weren’t throwing it FOR HER because they love her, or because they wanted to do something nice for her. They simply threw the party to keep her from having an expected, whiny “nobody loves me” pity party. But, as long as MIL could pretend and convince herself that her children were throwing this party out of the love in their hearts and nobody else really knew the truth, she could wallow in her little fantasy land.
The party was held in our home, which I managed to allow. Crunchy flew in from across the country to help plan and attend. I, however, other than getting my carpets cleaned, didn’t lift a finger to do fuck all. It wasn’t a large party, but it was large enough to fill my house with guests even as they came and went. What really made me seethe was that MIL is one of those individuals who thinks arriving late is “fashionable.” So here it was, long after the party began and my house is filled with guests and even neighbors from the neighborhood who have no idea the level of “dysfunctional bitch” she really is and yet -- the annoying dishrag is nowhere to be found. I could see other guests were looking around curiously like “where’s the birthday girl?” but had the tact not to ask. It was actually getting uncomfortable to try and pretend that all was normal when it obviously was not. Remember -- this hag lives across the street. No excuse for that.
Approximately 40 minutes after the start of her birthday party, MIL sails in the front door all dressed up and stuffed into a floor length mink coat and a big smile on her face without a care in the world. It really wasn’t amusing. Despite this, I was determine to put my big girl face on and be nice. I tried hard for DH to make this pleasant. A few minutes after she got there I forced myself to converse with her and to wish her a happy birthday. I came to regret it the moment I spoke to her. Her response instantly reminded me why I should NEVER EVER EVER be nice to her because she WILL slam me down and try to put me in my place. I walked up to her and said “Happy Birthday MIL, nice party. Are you having a good time?” And out of her filthy mouth came her reply: “Of course I’m having a good time, why wouldn’t I?” How is anyone supposed to respond to something so uncouth? After she said it, I was DONE. And I had just started!! I simply turned from her and walked away because if I didn’t I was tempted to grab her by her ear and drag her out the front door. Why do we have to put up with such horrible people like this on this planet? Why? Why? Why?
One more bizarre request of MILs happened a year or two into my and DH’s relationship. MIL called him on the phone and told DH that she knew what she wanted from him for Christmas. When DH inquired what that was, she told him that she wanted him to write her a love letter, hand written, explaining in the letter how important she is to him and how thankful he is for such a wonderful mother. I wanted to vomit. What the hell is THAT? What is she going to do with it? Frame it? Show it to everyone to show how much her son worships her (which he doesn’t)? Bury herself with it when she dies? Masturbate with it? Needless to say, she didn’t get the love letter and she never will.
Entertaining herself is unthinkable. She has always pouted, manipulated or raged if you tried to do anything without her, didn’t want to entertain her, refused to wait on her, stymied her plans for a drama or otherwise deprived her of attention.MIL believes she is entitled to be involved in everything we do, simply because of the fact that she is DH’s mother. Like being a mother gives her a pass to involve herself in every event we have. It’s infuriating. If we have other family over for dinner, like DH’s dad (when he was alive) or even my family, she’d stroll over on a pretense to say hi or drop something off just to see what was going on. If she wasn’t impromptu invited to join us (which she often wasn’t), she’d have a hissy fit in private later, spewing her disappointment all over DH that he didn’t think to invite his poor mother. What a horrible son he is, how so very ill-mannered of him!!
I hate, loathe, detest and abhor that bitch. There is NOTHING likeable about her. Not one thing.
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