I don’t even have a quote or statement to launch from for this entry because so many of the behaviors that we experienced during this particular situation are completely varied. I can’t even categorize it.
This particular event was “the” event that catapulted MIL solidly into the red flag category and occurred approximately a year into our relationship. True, I’d watched some weird behavior and communication oddities between DH and his mom, and I was getting increasingly concerned and annoyed by her. At this point in our relationship though, she lived across the country and I didn’t really have to deal with her one on one. It was only by proxy through DH that I experienced any of her behavior at all unless we visited, which we did. Twice.
One day in late September, DH called to tell me that his mother fell and broke her leg. What happened specifically was that she was drunk off her ass. In order to access her house, she had to do so by climbing up the cement steps in her yard that lead to her front porch. She fell and not only did she break her leg, she had a spiral fracture, which is caused by a twisting force. She probably felt she was falling, but too late, and twisted as she fell. Those are not easily healed. For the first few days I believe WWW was way too wrapped up with herself to focus outwardly on her children who, nonetheless, were not in a position to really help her as they both were so far away. But as the diagnosis got worse and she learned that she had a spiral fracture, just how seriously laid up she was going to be, and that she would also require surgery, MIL began the “oh poor me” act and started to get demanding. Once surgery was in the picture, WWW indicated to DH that she wanted him to fly out there and take care of her, immediately. In fact, she wanted him to take a leave of absence from work to care for her, which there was no way in hell DH even wanted to nor could. She bitched and moaned how SHE would drop everything to be with her injured son, blah blah blah, so he should be willing to do the same for her. Never mind that this pathetic sleaze of a parent was never really there for her kids when they were younger, and dumped DH and his sister off numerous times for weeks or months on end with family or her parents to care for them because she had better things to do. Regardless of her attempt at guilting DH to do what she wanted him to do, it didn’t matter. He couldn’t go. Interestingly, the week that her surgery was scheduled was the same week DH and I were to take vacation together to fly out and visit my sister and her family. The plans had been made long ago and the plane tickets had already been purchased. He simply told her that he couldn’t and that we had vacation plans. I don’t think she liked it, but she didn’t really have a fit or say too much. It was later, much later, that we were to find out just how much hell DH was going to have to pay for being with me instead of her.
Upon our return from vacation, DH learned that MIL needed yet another surgery on her leg that was scheduled to happen a few days after Thanksgiving. Apparently MIL’s first surgery was awful and she was very sick from the anesthesia. She did not want to do another surgery. Once DH found out about this surgery and the time frame, DH decided to surprise his mother and fly out at Thanksgiving near the date of her surgery so he could be there with her and celebrate the holiday. Before DH could tell her what he was going to do, she decided to punish him for being an awful, selfish and ungrateful son.
On a Sunday morning at 7:00 a.m. (4:00 a.m. her time), MIL tracked DH down at my place to talk with him. When I answered the phone she used a phrase she uses all the time when referring to DH: “Is MY SON there?” I crawled back into bed and handed DH the phone. He walked out of the room and I could hear the discussion escalating by the minute. Despite being in another room, I could hear her screeching through the phone and his constant attempts to placate her anger. His verbal attempts were interrupted every time he said five words in a row. Even though I could not really hear what she was saying (only the volume level with which she was saying it) DH’s stuttered, interrupted attempts to defend himself lent a good indication on what she was saying. She was rebuking him for not visiting her after her accident and that he instead went on a vacation with me. Mind you, this was like six weeks after he’d told her he was continuing with his vacation and she didn’t say boo hoo. Evidently, she held on to her anger until a time when she felt it more fitting to vomit her displeasure on him. Worse than the fact that he didn’t go running to assist her, she was furious that HER SON chose to go on vacation to visit people “he didn’t even know!!” She screamed that he was selfish and ungrateful and she thought she raised him better than that! She couldn’t even understand why I would date a man like him that wouldn’t go to his mother’s side when she needed him. She howled what a horrible person I was and that she hated me. She insisted that I was “keeping him away from her on purpose!!” She barely even knew me, yet I was 18 kinds of horrible. She upset DH so badly he was in tears and extremely shaken up after the phone call.
Her rantings were telling once I could look at them separately later. The first thing that struck me, which even now continues to be a theme that not only his mother keeps at, but the rest of his family as well, (whether consciously or unconsciously) is that my family is relegated to “non-entity” or to “people DH doesn’t know.” She didn’t get that it was my family that we were visiting and they are important to me and, therefore, are important to DH. Furthermore, DH did know them. In fact, he knew my sister and her family from us all being together during the days of my father’s coma, removal from life support and then the funeral. We suffered together and he helped my family a great deal. That’s not “nobody.” It was obvious that my family was lower than nothing to MIL. She assumed as well that since my family was nothing, that they should, therefore, be considered nothing to DH as well. The second thing that struck me was the vehemence of her hatred towards me. I can honestly say that I didn’t really even know her then, and she certainly did not know me. Not even a little bit. Yet regardless of that fact, she professes a seething hatred of me that I could barely fathom. Why? It was the third announcement that she venomously spit out that shed some light on where her thoughts were fixated. Her statement that I “was keeping her son away from HER on purpose” said it all. Her son lived over a 1,000 miles away from her even before I met him. She called him all time of day or night and he never ignored her. How in the world I was keeping him away from her I’m not sure, let alone ON PURPOSE. Wow. Demented. Paranoid. Scary.
Later that day when she calmed down (or was less drunk) she called him again, and all seemed better now. She was fine with the fact that he would be spending Thanksgiving with her and help after the surgery. He was forgiven. I was not. Instead of DH being the ungrateful lout, now she said that she couldn’t understand why DH would date a woman that wouldn’t INSIST that her man go to his mother when she had need of him. Uuuuugh.
Life went on as normal for the next several weeks and DH prepared to spend his time over Thanksgiving week with his mom and Crunchy, who was also planning on visiting to help at the same time. On Thanksgiving Day, I called DH to say hello. His mom answered the phone because DH was out running an errand for her. I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving, asked about her leg, I inquired about what they would be doing that day and then I told her what I was doing with my family. It was a normal conversation. When DH got back from the errand he called me back. Shortly into our conversation DH asked me why I wasn’t nice to his mother on the phone when I called earlier. Completely confused by his question, I said “what do you mean?” DH said that when he returned from his errand, his mother was very upset because I didn’t wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. That she was hurt because I didn’t ask how she was feeling or inquire about her injured leg. Also, she said that as soon as I found out DH was not there, that I quickly hung up on her without even saying goodbye. I was astonished because that is a completely different version of what actually happened. I told him none of that was true. DH’s response was “well, that’s not her side of the story.” I realized right then, in that horrified moment of clarity, that his mother was a colossal liar and that she wouldn’t stoop to lie about me or anything else in order to paint me in bad light.
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